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102 Things About Me... Really

2003-08-21 - 2:50 a.m.

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1.I�m 38 years old.

2.I feel like I�ve aged 10 years, both mentally and physically, since I was thirty-four, which is the last age at which I remember feeling like I was young and attractive.

3.I�m a graphic arts student.

4.It�s taken my entire adult life for me to figure out some kind of a career I might be reasonably happy at.

5.Now that I�ve made my choice, I�m worried that there won�t be any jobs when I get out of school and I�m just going to wind up being a secretary or a burger flipper or a homeless person anyway.

6.I think I�d enjoy any number of graphics or design-related careers, but what I�d really like to do is be a famous artist.

7.Which is unfortunate, as I seem to be rather lacking in artistic talent.

8.And anyway, if I was going to be well-known, I�d really rather be known as an intellectual, and artists are not necessarily intellectual so I�d have to find some way to prove my smarts to the world at large, too.

9.Which is also unfortunate...

10.I am the oldest child in my family.

11.I�ve been married three times, and none of my husbands has been an oldest child.

12.My first husband�s penis was named Herman. Herman Peter, to be precise. He used to speak for Herman Peter in kind of a baby voice. Did I mention the man was on drugs?

13.My second husband did not have a name for his penis, and I was never inspired to give it one.

14.We sometimes refer to the Prince�s penis as �The Monster Fun Noodle� but I wouldn�t say that�s the official name or anything.

15.I�ve never named my genitalia. In fact, I don�t think the idea ever occurred to me until just this moment.

16.I have never named a car, a computer, or any other inanimate object.

17.I�ve been surprised to learn how many people do name their stuff.

18.I�ve had more than 30 jobs. I've hated all of them but one or two, which I merely disliked.

19.I�ve only been fired once. From a fast-food place, for taking a quick couple of puffs of a cigarette in the bathroom. The woman who fired me was just looking for a reason... she was jealous because a friend of hers was getting too friendly with me.

20.I was �downsized� once... which in that case, was actually just a fancy way of firing me. They treated me really badly the whole time I worked there, though it took me a long time to realize that I wasn�t to blame for the situation.

21.An evil bitch at that company is one of the few people I actively wish truly terrible karma upon. I hope she reincarnates as a maggot in a festering hemorrhoid.

22.Only once did I ever walk out of a job without giving notice. I was working a press at a plastics factory... the job was so boring I kept dozing off, and when I finally decided I couldn�t handle it one more minute, I hit the emergency button to stop my press and walked out the back door in the middle of my shift.

23.I think Ouchy the Clown is kind of hot.

24.I�ve only ever kissed a girl once, and it didn�t turn me on at all.

25.Although I like men a lot and always enjoyed having sex with them, I was never very physically attracted to men before I met the Prince. Being able to appreciate his body has helped me learn to appreciate other men�s physical attractiveness as well. I still don�t look at men as much as I look at women, though.

26.I never thought I was prone to falling in love with women, until I developed an intense crush on a female friend when I was 30. Now I think I could easily be in love with a woman, but I do think I would miss men if ever tried to be exclusive with a female partner. I don�t know if it would be a deal-breaker, though.

27.I�ve never been able to have multiple orgasms. Very occasionally when I was younger, I�d be able to have two orgasms within a lengthy sex session, but that hasn�t happened in a while.

28.I�ve never had a squirting orgasm either, although I enjoy G-spot stimulation.

29.The most orgasms I�ve ever had in a day is ten. I got them by masturbating every couple of hours over the course of the day. It was fun, but it was a lot more effort than it was worth.

30.The most orgasms I�ve ever faked in one sex session is ten. It wasn�t a very long sex session, either.

31.The guys I faked with never had a clue that I was faking. Because of this, I�m always skeptical when I hear a man say that his wife/girlfriend never fakes. I bet she does at least some of the time.

32.I haven�t faked a single orgasm since the first time I had a real orgasm with a partner at the age of 20.

33.I�m not very materialistic. I like pretty things, but the idea of spending a huge amount of money simply to possess �things� apparently goes against my basic values. I have not cultivated this trait, it appears to be natural to me.

34.I don�t collect anything. The idea of hoarding dozens of unneeded items simply because they represent variations of a particular theme seems kind of...greedy and obsessive.

35.I would, however, spend big shitloads of money on books, art, travel, entertainment and education without a second thought.

36.I rarely lend my books. If I think someone I know would enjoy a book of mine, I�d buy them their own copy rather than lend mine.

37.I am a very visual person, though, and the desire beautify my surroundings is always at odds with my natural tendency to want to live simply.

38.So is my tendency to hoard books.

39.It pisses me off that some folks see nothing wrong with spending thousands and millions of dollars on designer clothing, jewels, multiple homes, luxury cars, and treating themselves to the finest of everything when there are so many hardworking people just barely getting by.

40.I wonder if I would continue to feel the same way if I ever got rich.

41.I would love the opportunity to find out.

42.I greatly enjoy looking at people who have a unique sense of style, and sometimes I think I would like to cultivate that in myself.

43.But I find that I feel the most �myself� in jeans and a t-shirt, with little makeup and my hair hanging down.

44.I think if I were skinnier I�d look good dressed like that, but I feel like a fat chick needs a little more window dressing to avoid looking dowdy.

45.I wish I was the kind of girl who never felt the need to carry a purse. I hate lugging purses around, but there is just too much stuff I need to have with me.

46.What I have in my purse right now: powder compact, mascara, blush, eyebrow pencil, lipstick, lip balm, allergy eye drops, contact lens rewetting drops, sunglasses, eyeglass cleaning papers, address book, small notebook, pen, Weight Watchers Points calculator, comb, checkbook, cell phone, Excedrin migraine, antacid, 6 ponytail holders of various types, witch hazel wipes, personal cleansing wipes, two pair of tweezers, emery board, $58, old grocery list, assorted receipts, ticket stubs from the Metrolink in St. Louis, assorted plastic cards including library card and driver�s license, and approximately a pound of assorted change.

47.I loved makeup when I was a kid, and wore piles of it when I could get away with it. Partly because I had bad skin and thought I was ugly, and partly just for the fun of playing with all the pretty colors.

48.I was so used to wearing makeup all the time, that once when I was a teenager I tried going out in public without it and was more embarrassed than if I�d been naked.

49.I wore full face-paint until I was about 21. Then I met this woman who worked at the cosmetic counter of the department store I worked at. She had a very beautiful face, and she always wore full makeup... purple eye-shadow and liner, rose pink blush and lipstick, eyebrow pencil, thick but flawless-looking foundation and powder. It�s not that she looked like Tammy Faye Bakker or anything, it was the same type of model perfect makeup I�d been trying for years to emulate from the fashion magazines�a �perfecting� of each individual facial feature�and she was very skilled in her application. Her face looked like a porcelain doll, or like a perfectly beautiful porcelain mask. The total effect struck me as rather grotesque, and to this day, I still see that unappealing mask-like effect when I look at an overly made-up woman.

50.It�s only the feature-perfecting, full-face makeup that turns me off, though. I think a lot of women look great with one or two features heavily accented... like very dark eyes, or red, red lips.

51.On myself, I like a very natural look. I don�t like to go completely without because I think I look better with a little powder on my skin and some mascara. If I really want to doll up I�ll put on a little sheer lip color and some subtle brow pencil.

52.I like cute earrings and anklets, but don�t wear much other jewelry.

53.I don�t like the look of a tan on women unless it�s very subtle and natural. I think a dark tan looks dirty and aging... and all that time in the sun eventually WILL be aging. I see women my age who have spent a lot of time in the sun and they look awfully leathery for being in their late thirties.

54.I do think tan legs look sexy. But I wish people would get over the idea that natural pale legs are some kind of hideous deformity... I think that if people ever once got used to seeing pale legs on fashionable women, they�d soon cease to look so �wrong.�

55.I love cute shoes and boots. I�d probably have lots more pairs if I could afford them.

56.But a good comfy pair of sandals will often be the only shoes I wear all summer long. My current ones are even comfortable for walking, and because of that I�ve worn them nearly out this summer. I hope I can find another pair for next summer.

57.My feet are really starting to look terrible. I can�t seem to get rid of all the hard, dry skin on them even though I scrub with a pumice stone.

58.I�d love to get a professional pedicure, but I can�t bear the thought of anyone else clipping my toenails. The �quick� seems to be situated funny and I don�t trust anyone else not to cut too closely.

59.Until I was 15, I bit my fingernails to the nub. I�d even peel layers off them with my teeth and chew up the skin around my nails too. One day I just decided to quit and so I did.

60.I�ve always been a very messy person and terrible at keeping house. It used to bother me because I thought it made me a bad wife. I don�t think that anymore... now it just bothers me because I find the clutter to be inconvenient and unattractive.

61.I find it difficult to relax in a messy house... I�ve actually been kept awake by a room that was too cluttery.

62.You�d think that would have been an incentive to become neater, but I also discovered that it�s not relaxing to keep a clean house, either. It takes more vigilence and attention to detail than my poor scattered ADD brain can handle. I�ve tried keeping up with my house and it�s exhausting.

63.Someday I hope to have a staff. Particularly a French maid and a midget butler. Maybe a midget French maid too, and ideally I�d want to be able to make the little people screw for my amusement. And the Prince and I could have threesomes with the full-sized French maid.

64.But seeing as employing people in that capacity is probably not real legal, I guess I could settle for having someone come in and just clean real good once a week.

65.I�m kind of embarrassed to admit how much plastic surgery I�d want to get if we ever came into a lot of money. I wish I were the kind of person who could feel attractive in spite of my flaws, or that I could see my flaws as �interesting� and unique. I think you can do that with, say, a big nose or tiny boobs or gapped teeth. But I think it would take an awfully long stretch of the imagination to turn stretch marks, saggy boobs and chin hair into charmingly sexy quirks. My body is not a wonderland, it�s a fucking disaster area.

66.My favorite book when I was a kid was �Little House in the Big Woods� and eventually I read all of Laura Ingalls Wilder�s books. My favorite book as a teenager was �Gone with the Wind.� I don�t know if I have a favorite book as an adult. I can never think of my favorites when asked, nor my favorite movies or music either. Which is why I don�t have that information filled out in my profile even though I love books, movies and music.

67.Some of my favorite movies are �Frida,� �Amelie,� �Chicago,� and �The Sixth Sense.�

68.The only favorite book that comes to mind right now is �Like Water for Chocolate.�

69.I keep thinking I should start a list and just write down stuff I like as I think of it, over the course of many days or weeks. Then maybe I could rank them and come up with my favorites.

70.My favorite play is �No Exit� by Jean-Paul Sartre. It is also the source of my favorite quote...

71.�Hell is other people.�

72.I love self-help books even though lots of people think they are cheesy. Many of them I wind up thinking are cheesy as well, but I also think I�ve benefited greatly from a few.

73.I used to love scary movies as a kid, but I can�t watch them because they stick in my head too long. I wind up depressed, anxious and unable to sleep for weeks afterwards.

74.I don�t particularly like romance movies, or action movies, or sci-fi, or kid�s movies, although I might like an individual movie that fits into one of those categories. I don�t think I really have a preferred genre except maybe comedy, and even that I�m picky about.

75.I hate Jim Carey when he�s doing his �Jim Carey thing� with the goofy faces and exaggerated guestures. I liked him in Liar, Liar, Truman and Man in the Moon, though.

76.I have a serious crush on Jennifer Lopez even though I�ve hated every movie I�ve ever seen her in, I hate the diva act, I hate the �ghetto-booty� act, and I hate her hip-hop music. She is a damn fine looking woman though, and have you ever heard her sing REAL music? She has a lovely voice.

77.I�ve also been crushing on Salma Hayak ever since I saw the movie Frida.

78.I have a thing for hispanic women.

79.Frida Kahlo is one of my personal role models. I admire that she lived such an unconventional, passionate life in spite of being in pain from a serious injury she sustained in a bus accident as a young woman.

80.I find her art interesting and almost too honest to bear, but not especially beautiful.

81.I often find I prefer art that is more haunting and disturbing than beautiful. Surreal, dreamlike art communicates to a very primitive and intensely emotional aspect of human experience, an aspect we all share but which is difficult to discuss because the emotions being tapped are too deep and raw and personal to be easily expressed in concrete, formal language.

82.Representative (non-abstract) art I often find a little dull... after awhile, one lovely landscape or medieval noblewoman begins to look pretty much like another. A less realistic, more interpretive style brings more interest to a scene than simple realism, however skilled.

83.My interest in Frida Kahlo led me to learn a little about her husband Diego Rivera�s artwork. His work is very beautiful and often communicates powerful messages about society�s past, present and future. I think it�s interesting that his work was almost totally inspired from the political and social world outside himself, and hers almost completely from her inner world of experiences.

84.I really dislike much of the art of the Dutch masters (Rembrandt, Vermeer.) Too dark and somber and the subjects strike me as just really not being attractive people.

85.Even though I�m not religious any more, I like religious symbolism in art. I react emotionally to it, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. Good and evil, desire and denial, sex, death, hope and redemption... all very powerful emotional triggers.

86.I also think that the combination of sacred and profane produces a pleasing tension in a piece of art, if it�s not overdone just for pure shock value. The Live CD Secret Samadhi makes good use of this effect. I love this CD, and I am bitterly disappointed that their newest release is so... preachy.

87.I really like a lot of bluegrass music, and older country music like Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson, and Johnny Cash. But I hate most modern country... too corny and punny, too boot-stompin� line-dancy, or just too much �mama n�daddy �n�em� type shit going on. I just totally cannot relate.

88.I joke about my family being white trash, but really most of my family is very middle-class and fairly respectable. Most own homes in decent parts of town, and though we boast of few college graduates, many of my relatives have some college education.

89.My mother is pretty much the only real n�er-do-well in the family and so us kids got a good taste of the fly-by-night lifestyle, but none of us really bought into it.

90.Except for my one brother who spent several years traveling with the carnival. (But even he�s settled down with a family in the past few years.)

91.Dick�s family, on the other hand, is from a little rougher part of town, to put it delicately. So my kiddo does have some relatives we don�t like her spending a lot of time with.

92.I�ve never kept a diary before Diaryland.

93.Other than a couple of half-hearted attempts as a kid, I�ve never made up stories or created characters and plots in my head.

94.Those half-hearted attempts did teach me something, however... they taught me that writing dialogue is one of the most tedious chores in the history of the written word.

95.I used to think I wanted to be a writer... for awhile, I was even convinced it was my �dream.� Then I remembered why I originally got the idea to write a book... I wanted to make a living working at home so I wouldn�t have to put my kid in daycare. I never really had a burning desire to write at all.

96.I would, however, enjoy basking the prestige that comes with being a published writer.

97.I have an absolute dread of being ordinary, even though I am the most unremarkable, untalented person I have ever met. I always felt that I was meant to do something at least moderately impressive or noteworthy, and believed that someday I�d discover something I�d really be good at and proceed to achieve, if not fame and fortune, at least financial security and maybe a bit of status in whatever circles I found myself moving in. This is beginning to seem less likely the older I get, and I suppose someday I�ll have to come to terms with my own utter unremarkableness. But for right now, the idea of being completely undistinguished for my entire life is just too dreadful to contemplate.

98.Part of the problem is that I haven�t even had a lot of success with what is supposed to be the basic �stuff of life�... a fulfilling career, financial stability, looking fabulous, marriage, motherhood, homemaking... I�m very disappointed that none of these has proven to be an area in which I could excel, either.

99.I used to consider myself to be really good at sex... but I�m so unhappy with my body these days, it makes me really uncomfortable to be touched in a sexual way.

100. I never thought I would ever speak, type or even think a sentence like #99.

101.I�m getting pretty bored with this now.

102.Good thing I�m finished!








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Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
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...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27





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