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Wow, this sure took a long damn time

2003-04-06 - 9:43 a.m.

Disclaimer

Note to self: Self, when WILL you realize that restaurant food simply does not agree with you these days? Oh, did you not REALIZE that waking up at 3 a.m. with a parched mouth, sour stomach and flaming diarrhea was indicative of the evening�s meal not agreeing with you? My apologies. Buy a clue.

But since I am up at 5:30 (shut UP� it is NOT 6:30!) due to the aforementioned feeling-yucky-ness and whatever I am dying of that causes both arms to go painfully numb while I am sleeping, I thought I�d go ahead and steal this from the lovely Lady-Malfoy:

(1) The singular boring question: What is your name?

Amy

(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been?

-- I have no idea, this is the first time I�ve ever even thought about it. I am told, however, that my parents fought over my dad wanting to name me after an ex-girlfriend.

(3) Would you name a child of yours after you?

-- No.

(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with?

-- I can�t think of any friend, past or present, whose name I would want. I am somewhat enamored of the name Norah right now, but that�s only because it is one of those rather staid, old-fashioned names that seem to be popular with young, hot artsy-fartsy women. I realize that an older, fat woman named Norah would seem� well, older and fatter.

(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?

-- Oh, please. The only people who EVER mispronounce it are native Spanish-speakers.

(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)?

-- And be THE Amy, out of all the bazillion Amys in the world? Probably not.

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS:

(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?

-- No. Not even when I was a believer in Christianity.

(8) Do you think God has a gender?

-- If there is a God, I don�t think so.

(9) Do you think science counteracts religion?

-- Not necessarily. But I hate it when religion tries to counteract science.

(10) Do you believe in organized religion?

-- Sure, it exists all over the place.

(11) Where do you think we go when we die?

-- I don�t know.

(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section?

-- Nope. I�ve been thinking about them for years.

HUMOR:

(13) How easy is it to make you laugh?

-- Very.

(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most?

-- My husband.

(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't?

-- Yes.

(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't?

-- The only jokes I feel I �shouldn�t� tell are racist jokes, but if one is particularly funny I�ll tell it to my husband. Because he knows I�m most emphatically not a racist� I simply like clever plays on words and stereotypes.

(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile?

-- Schlong. Pecker. Twat. Dick cheese. Pussy fart.

(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written?

-- I couldn�t begin to keep track. I think I�m a hoot most of the time. Ask my husband� he�ll agree that I think I�m a hoot most of the time.

MUSIC:

(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching?

-- Are you fucking kidding me?

(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard?

-- �Dance Hall Days.� �Everybody Wang Chung tonight.� �Seasons in the Sun.� �Carribean Queen.� �Man, I feel like a Woman.� I know there are a million others I hate but these are all that come to mind right now.

(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better?

-- None. If I can�t understand a song, I look up the lyrics on the internet. I can�t STAND not to know, simply because my mind makes up such awful �stand in� lyrics if I don�t. Awful as in stupid and nonsensical, not as in funny or wicked. And then the awful lyric gets stuck in my head and keeps repeating� at odd moments I�ll discover my brain singing things like �my wood fumpus when you are not here��

(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head?

-- There is no one song that gets stuck. However, my brain has an uncanny ability to search out a song that �fits� whatever situation I find my self in, and then it plays THAT over and over. Like, when I wanted to learn Spanish so I tuned into the local Spanish radio station. My brain added a music track� �I�m on the Mexican radio� on the Mexican, whoa-oh, radio�� It does this all on its own and I find this both amazing and annoying.

(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best?

-- I don�t know� women like me don�t really get songs written about them, you know? But I always liked the Pure Prairie League song �Amie� and felt like it kind of suited me� I�m the kind of girl that a guy may fall in and out of love with, but certainly won�t ever forget!

(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use?

-- I would never serenade my husband because I don�t like my singing voice. But the song that makes me think of him and smile is �Underneath your Clothes� by Shakira.

(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used?

-- While I love to hear my husband sing, I wouldn�t really like being serenaded� I mean, what do you do while he�s actually singing? Nod, smile, hold eye contact? For three whole fucking minutes?? Too much pressure! (And I feel bad that I never cry at all the appropriate female-crying moments either. I think my various husbands have found that rather disappointing.)

MOVIES:

(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to?

-- �Sommersby.�

(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original?

-- Not always but usually.

(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character?

-- Han Solo. I was in love with Harrison Ford for YEARS after seeing the movie Heroes. Oh, and add Heroes under question number 26.

(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of?

-- "Chicago".

(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of?

-- Stupid horror flicks like �Leprechans�. Slasher movies like �Friday the 13th.� Most movies that the snotty artsy-intellectual folks like� if a movie must be referred to as a �film� and discussed seriously over espresso, I�m probably not going to find it entertaining.

FOOD:

(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness?

-- At any given moment it might be either one.

(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese?

-- This is one of those snotty things, isn�t it? If I say pepper jack I�ll be marked for life as hopeless trailer trash.

(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality?

-- That I don�t want to be marked for life as hopeless trailer trash.

(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it?

-- Probably. As long as I didn�t see it made.

(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat?

-- Yes. Frequently.

COMPUTERS:

(36) Mac or PC?

-- PC. Although I want a Mac to further my eventual graphic arts career, I can�t say I see what all the fuss is about. That fucking deal about all the components of various programs being visible on your desktop all the time drives me fucking nuts. I miss my task bar.

(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works?

-- As long as the little gremlins inside keep cranking away, I�m more than willing to grant them all the privacy they could wish for.

(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation?

-- Depends on the partner. I pretty much gave up on IM�s after I moved in with the hubby� he was the last person I knew who actually knew how to hold up his end of an IM conversation. I hate, just motherfucking HATE, when some idiot IM�s ME and then expects me to do all the talking. Ask me a question, answer my questions with more than a one-word answer, stop playing fucking hearts and SAY something, goddammit!

(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone?

-- Yes. On the phone or face-to-face I tend to be tongue-tied and stupid until I get to know you. I�m much cleverer and more talkative on IM, even to near-strangers.

(40) Have you ever ended a bid on something on eBay and regretted it later?

-- No. But I don�t Ebay much� I hate having to compete with all the sniping assholes. I like things to be straightforward and above-board. I don�t have the attention span for sneaky, underhanded competition.

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES:

(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender?

-- Yes. My fantasy is to be able to change gender at will.

(42) What do you love most about the other gender?

-- The refreshing simplicity and lack of game-playing.

(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender?

-- Their toilet habits.

(44) What do you understand least about the other gender?

-- Why THEY never worry about the state of The Relationship.

CELEBRITIES:

(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it?

-- Yes, occasionally. Matt Damon, Sandra Bullock come to mind.

(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most?

-- Nobody�s. I can�t imagine it would be a very satisfying experience to meet someone you adore and be given a perfunctory thirty seconds of their time.

(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who?

-- When I was younger, skinnier and blonder I once had someone tell me I looked like Shelley Long. (Oh, boy!) And some guy once told me I looked like Precious (wrestler Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin�s manager/girlfriend� this was somewhere around 1984, I think.)

(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)?

-- Maybe if Renee Zellweger gained a hundred pounds? We have the same bad hair.

(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why?

-- I don�t think that�s ever happened.

(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter?

If I actually got to inhabit the body, I�d pick Madonna. Then I�d stay home and play with her tits all day. She�s got great tits.

(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich?

-- No.

NUMBERS:

(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69?

-- Yes. In fact one of the funniest moments that I experienced recently teasing my lesbian friend upon learning that her phone number had sixty-nine in it THREE times.

(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question?

-- No.

(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number?

-- Yes.

(55) Do you actually know your IP address?

-- No.

(56) Do you know what an IP address is?

-- Yes.

(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code?

-- No. My mail gets here just fine without it. Why would I bother?

(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives?

-- Yes.

(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.?

-- My head begins to hurt when I think of regular numbers higher than, say, 69.

(60) What do you think of pi?

-- Key lime is my favorite. Cherry is nice too.

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT:

(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title?

-- Oh, please.

(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?

-- Uncomfortable. I don�t like having to reject someone.

(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"?

-- I don�t know. I�ve never been on a date with someone I hadn�t already fucked. I guess that qualifies as getting to know someone first.

(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member?

-- Sure, unless the person�s name was �Grandma.� That might be a little weird.

(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?

-- No, because social acceptability has never stopped me from doing much that I wanted to do.

(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?

-- Whoo-hoo! Where do I go to sign up?

(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?

-- No, because if something about someone attracts me, I�ll automatically find them physically attractive. Also, I find a wide range of physical types attractive� I like people to look interesting and unique rather than magazine-model perfect.

(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking?

-- No. I do think a lot of them find me attractive once they get to know me, though. Sometimes to their chagrin.

(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last?

-- Oooo. That�d be rough. If I HAD to choose either love or sex, I�d choose love. But pretty grudgingly, in all honesty.

(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence?

-- Probably.

POSSESSIONS:

(71) What is your favorite possession?

-- I don�t know. For a person who spends way too fucking much money on bullshit, I�m not really into material things all that much. I suppose the computer, which is technically not really mine anyway as the Prince owned it well before I ever arrived in his life.

(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most?

-- A house would be nice I suppose. But money in the bank (security and freedom!), a college degree, a satisfying career, a thin body, travel, sexual adventures� these are the things I REALLY lust after.

(73) How badly do you want it?

-- The house? Well, I�m not drooling or obsessing or anything. It�s just one of those kinda-sorta wishing kind of things.

(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'?

-- Yes. One of the most terrifying memories of my childhood.

(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section?

-- I never would have noticed if it hadn�t been brought to my attention.

HOLIDAYS:

(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you?

-- Christmas music annoys me any time. Except for �The Little Drummer Boy.�

(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older?

-- Physically I�d have been pleased to stop around 34. But mentally and emotionally I�m definitely improving with age. So I hope to enjoy that process for some time to come.

(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had?

-- I don�t remember. My mom didn�t put a lot of effort into it when I was a kid. My kid had much better costumes. The dalmation costume I did when she was about 5 was pretty cute.

(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had?

-- My personal worst? Don�t remember. I�m sure it was one of those plastic drugstore ones, and I probably loved it at the time. I was all about store-bought over homemade when I was a kid.

(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning?

-- New Year�s Eve/Day?

(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there?

-- I don�t care. Just so long as it�s important enough that I get it off work with pay.

MEMORIES:

(82) How good is your short-term memory?

-- What was the question again?

(83) How good is your long-term memory?

-- Fabulous. Or horrible. I forget.

(84) What is your earliest memory?

-- Waking up in my crib from a nightmare that I swallowed a Tinker-Toy.

(85) What is your happiest memory (other than receiving this survey)?

-- The first weekend I spent with my husband.

(86) What is your strangest memory?

-- When I was about 10, my mom and stepdad left me home alone while they went out fishing. While they were gone, I dressed up like Frankenstein (old black wig, monster make-up, an old suit jacket turned around backwards, and a pair of my dad�s big dress shoes.) At dusk, I went out walking the neighborhood for fun and scared a neighbor lady half to death� she thought I was some kind of escaped mental patient! Unbeknownst to me, when she ran into her house she called the cops. Meanwhile, I became bored and went home to hide in the bushes to scare my mother when she got home. The cops came and began searching around the neighborhood with flashlights. I thought they must be looking for some criminal so I got scared and went inside and hid in our bathtub. The neighbor lady came in and found me because our front door was open and she wanted to make sure everyone was ok� so by the time my parents pulled up, there were three cop cars outside our house, and they got grilled by the police about why on earth they would leave an obviously mentally unstable ten-year-old home alone. My mother was not happy.

(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize?

-- I used to have �Gone with the Wind� memorized as a teenager and would �read� it to myself when I had trouble falling asleep. Can�t think of anything I care to memorize now. I�d like to have better recall in general of the non-fiction stuff I read, though.

TEARS:

(88) What movie makes/made you cry?

-- �Homeward Bound.� The scene where the boy is saying �I guess Shadow didn�t make it� he was just too old.� And then Shadow comes limping over the hill� I�ve seen it a bazillion times and I ALWAYS cry.

(89) What book makes/made you cry?

-- None that I can think of.

(90) What song makes/made you cry?

-- None that I can think of.

(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried?

--The time my husband walked face-first into the open dryer door, naked. (It was a stacking washer-dryer, with the dryer on top. My husband is, in fact, more than two feet tall in case you were wondering.) The time I left the bathtub all slippery from bath oil and the hubby got in to take a shower� there was like five solid minutes of the sound of scrabbling feet and swearing before he finally got ahold of the shower curtain and pulled it down, rod and all, upon his naked self as he fell. Oh, and the time when the Evil Childe was about eighteen months old and she came in to the bathroom while I was taking a bath and slipped in a puddle of water. She kept getting back up, doing the Fred-Flintstone foot-scrabbling on the slippery floor and BOOM! Back down on her diapered butt she�d go. And she was bawling her head off just because she was so MAD. Funniest fucking thing I ever saw. (And yes, I WAS trying to get out of the tub to help her but she managed to go through the routine about four times before I could get to her.)

No wonder my family hates me.

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS:

(92) Would you like to be cloned?

-- No. I can�t imagine why I�d want a twin who was younger and prettier than me.

(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it?

-- No. With Bushy and his evil cronies in office playing �Revival of the Roman Empire� I am suddenly reminded of some of the scarier biblical prophecies and I am truly horrified at the thought that it might actually be TRUE and going to happen in my lifetime! I can�t think of anything I�d be less interested in experiencing.

(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?

-- No. It wouldn�t be pretty.








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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27





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