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Shaving my pussy

2003-06-15 - 4:05 p.m.

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Have you ever wondered just how many people it would take to give a twenty-pound cat an ass-haircut? Well, for future reference, the answer would be three.

Grooming BigFat, the enormous long-haired tabby also known as Casey but whose name I am officially changing to Matt, has been on my To Do list for many weeks now. It�s just such a terrible horrible awful ordeal... for ME, I mean. I do not give a rat�s ass about Matt�s feelings in the matter because frankly, the little bastard is lucky to be alive at this point in the game. At several points in the grooming process, I was ready to stick the scissors right through his little heart just to make him stay still.

He�s not a cat who likes much handling under the best of circumstances. He does not care to be held or brushed or even petted all that much, so grooming him just really pisses him off. He�s good for about two minutes of combing and clipping before he starts squirming and growling and hissing and squealing and grumbling. (Yes, grumbling. The cat really doesn�t have a proper meow. When moved to speak, he has either a squeak or a grumble with which to express his innermost feelings.)

The goal of today�s grooming session is to simply cut all his hair very short with the exception of head, legs and tail, as this keeps him mat-free for some time afterwards. Complicating the process is the fact that his fur has an extremely thick undercoat that is very difficult to comb through, and removing all the matted hair without danger of cutting his skin requires slipping a comb under the mat to protect his skin from the scissors as I clip it off.

I looked around Petsmart today trying to find some kind of grooming aid to make things go a little quicker or easier. I finally decided a no-tangle conditioning spray might at least help the comb go through his hair better. I also decided that wetting him down might help, so I gave him a bath. Once both of us were good and soaked, I took him out of the tub, sprayed him down with conditioner and went to work.

Clipping his back and shoulders isn�t too awful bad. Oh, he bitches and moans and exerts much effort in trying to belly-crawl away, but I simply keep dragging him back and we continue on. But he really hates having his haunches trimmed. That required wrapping his head and front legs tightly in a towel, a maneuver meant to thwart his escape but which simply served to slow him down a little so I could work.

But the REALLY fun part was clipping the dingleberries off his asshole. The cat has grown extremely fat in the past year or so, so much so that licking his own ass has apparently become too much of a stretch. More than once I�ve caught him scooting along the carpet, wiping his ass after a healthy shit. The remainder has hardened into a very attractive little dingleberry ring under his tail.

The hysterics the little bastard threw when I first touched the comb to his assal area were not even a little hindered by the towel restraint; so I called the Prince over to hold the top half of the cat still so I could clip his butt hair. Even then he kicked and squirmed so much I was afraid I might accidentally hurt him with the scissors, so the Evil Childe was enlisted as the back-end restrainer, helping to hold the cat in an extremely undignified position while I carefully clippy-clippied the poop-encrusted hair out from around his asshole. (Now that�s love, people.) I also went ahead and de-matted his �leg-pits� and lower belly while I had him restrained in a convenient position.

Did you know that a male cat�s little furry wee-wee holder thingie looks a whole lot like a mat down there on his lower belly?

Oh, stop cringing.... I didn�t cut it! But we figured maybe the reason why he was carrying on so much is because he was worried about it. Hmmmph. He�s lucky I didn�t cut his stupid head off.

So after all that, we�re not even DONE with him. I still need to do his right haunch, the uppermost part of both front legs and his chest. But I think we�ve had enough trauma for one day. Me, I mean.

Or maybe not. If I can get near him without having my arm bitten off, it would be nice to actually be over and done with it.








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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27





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