I�m reading this book that so far is pretty cool. It�s called �Your Own Worst Enemy� by Kenneth Christianson, Ph.D. and it�s all about people who are underachievers. People who work in crappy jobs, who don�t paint the painting or write the book they know is in them, who have dreams they�re not pursuing due to laziness and fear of failure. Since I�m not finished reading and have not yet experienced anything life-changing as a result of the book, I cannot vouch for its efficacy. But I�m really amazed by how well he understands what is behind the failure to live up to your potential. (The only place I�m not sure I agree is where he outlines his theory on the childhood origins of underachieving... surely I can't be the only underachiever who wasn't a charming, easy-going gifted kid who was allowed to skate by by doting teachers and parents. But it could be I�m reading it wrong and he�s not saying he thinks that�s the only reason it occurs...)

Anyway, I�m really fascinated by some of his insights, as well as some of the solutions he promotes which tie into insights I�ve had regarding myself, but have not fleshed out the ideas as much as he has. Things like why underachievers never feel like they have enough downtime and how putting forth the effort to be organized can actually solve this; and how learning to cultivating mindfulness while working can keep boredom and dissatisfaction from undermining work efforts. Just lots of good stuff that has kept me saying �How true� and �Oh, yeah, I DO do that!�

So, I�m working through some of the exercises in the book, which normally I hate to do because after all these years I�m pretty much "exercised out"... but I dunno, maybe this guy is onto something. And even if not, well, I�m still going to post it here so anyone reading can get a lengthy peek at just how messed up my psyche really is, and go �Wow, I�m glad I�M not that fucked up!� So, enjoy! Or not.

1. What would you do that you are not doing now, or that you have not done, if success were 100% guaranteed?

This is a tough one, simply because there are all KINDS of things I�d kind of like to do if I knew I couldn�t fail... most of them, however, I know that even if I �improved myself� to the nth degree, I still wouldn�t really want to put in the effort required. So the following list contains a mixture of things I really want and wish I had the drive to work towards, with some �gee, that might be cool� kind of stuff thrown in for flavor.

Lose weight and get in shape

Get my belongings and time organized

Get a black belt in jiu jitsu

Really study Zen Buddhism

Learn yoga and practice daily

Learn to belly dance

Learn to dance �socially�

Learn to do a sexy strip tease

Learn to paint, sculpt, and make other forms of art

Make a living with art

Become a really good photographer and do arty, erotic black and white photographs

Write a book

Write a syndicated humor column

Learn to play piano and guitar

Buy a house, decorate it and create a really beautiful garden

Get a college degree, not necessarily career-related (maybe English Lit. or Art History or even liberal arts)

Read the classics

Be able to discuss books and art intelligently

Have an open marriage (�success guaranteed� meaning both that my marriage would stay strong and that we could find suitable, healthy outside relationships.)

Save a lot of money in a short period of time

Find the perfect job (one that is mentally stimulating, challenging but not impossibly so, pays a lot of money, and offers plenty of time off so I can pursue other things)

Have a group of intelligent, offbeat friends who I really enjoy spending time with

Become an expert in something

Learn to speak, read and write Spanish and French

Spend some time living in Paris and in a South American country (not sure which one)

2. What would you do that you are not doing now, or that you have not done, if you had twice as much self-esteem?

Well, I would think that a lot of the above would tie in to self-esteem... isn�t that what fear of failing is all about? But let�s see what else I can come up with:

I�d take better care of myself. I�d realize that even when pressed for time, I still need and deserve to make time for adequate sleep, nutrition, exercise, grooming, and recreation.

I�d dress better... I wouldn�t feel guilty about spending money on things I want and need.

I�d probably have more time and money to spend, because I�d make better decisions. A lot of the reasons my energies have always been so scattered is because I have trouble focusing on what really matters to me... I�m always frantically frittering away time and money on things I think will make me a better, happier, more worthwhile person. If I were basically happy with who I am, I could stop wasting those resources on trying to fix myself and instead apply them to a few select things that would just add pleasure to my life.

3. As a child, what did you think you would like to do when you grew up, or what did you see or hear that intrigued or fascinated you?

I honestly don�t remember having any big dream or ambition as a kid. I can vaguely remember wanting to be an Olympic figure skater, but was informed by my mother that at the age of eight, I was already over the hill... figure skaters, gymnasts and ballerinas have to start when they are around age three or four, she told me. (I always marveled at the ability of these prodigies to choose their life�s work at such an early age! The only things I wanted when I was three was a later bedtime and a treat off the ice cream truck. I figured there must be something wrong with me.)

I do vaguely remember that at various points I wanted to be a veterinarian, a singer, a writer, a mad scientist, and a witch.

4. As a child, what personal qualities or types of activities always inspired respect or awe in you, and later as an adult, what qualities might you have cultivated in yourself if you had known how to develop them?

Uh, let�s see... again, I don�t remember being particularly impressed by personal qualities or activities. Then again, I did tend to be a very envious child. So here are some things I was envious of:

The usual... I envied people who were pretty, skinny, athletic and popular. I always wanted to play sports but was uncoordinated and weak. And I was really unpopular throughout junior high and high school, and I always envied people who had that knack for fitting in. I don�t know if I wanted scads of friends (I always preferred having one or two really close friends) but I really, really wanted the teasing and meanness to stop.

I envied sophistication... I was terribly naive as a kid, and not much better now.

I envied artistic ability... though I loved to paint and draw and do crafts, I never stuck with anything long enough to get good at it. I always envied the kids who sat in the back of the room sketching amazing things into their notebooks.

I envied my one cousin who is a year older than me and perfect. From a young age, she always had her room decorated in a cool funky way, and I envied that and the fact that she was organized and kept her room clean and nice. (It�s not that I didn�t understand that I could have cleaned my stuff up too... what I envied is that she LOVED to clean! She�d come over to play and she�d say, �Let�s clean the whole house and surprise your mom!� I thought she was nuts. Though I wished I was nuts, too, so that my room would be pretty and all the grownups would be impressed with my maturity and general wonderfulness.) I envied that she always had money and nice clothes because she worked or babysat, and she didn�t spend every dime she made on candy and magazines (like I would have, had I had the ambition to work or enough responsibility to babysit.) I envied that she knew how to dress and groom herself and put on makeup to look good, at an age when I was still running around with uncombed hair and a kool-aid mustache. I envied that she was responsible and sensible and all the adults thought she was so wonderful, yet she still managed to have this secret life during her teenager-hood that included a fair amount of drinking and drugs and sex and other naughty fun that none of the grownups in the family ever caught on to, except for her mother who was her best friend and confidante and who trusted her not to take things too far.

In a time of my life when everything I did either got me in trouble, teased or humiliated, I desperately envied all the approval she was getting while living the good life, by teenage standards�pretty much doing exactly as she pleased. I suppose her success was helped along by the fact that she did not please to make mud pies in her school clothes, or hang neighbor kids by their hands off the swing-set, or wear goofy costumes to school, or smoke and swear in front of the grandparents, or mouth off to her teachers...

Again, it�s not that I couldn�t have behaved as she did... it�s just that she did it so effortlessly, without having to think about it or try too hard. Most of the dumb, goofy stuff I did that got me into trouble or kept me from social success wasn�t stuff I sat down and thought about and decided to do... I just did what came naturally. So did she. She was just born with a better �naturally� and that�s what I envied.

5. What activity would you undertake if you did not have to be concerned with making a living?

This one is easy. I would travel, take classes and make art. I would be SO GOOD at not working if I had money... I can�t even begin to comprehend people who feel that they need to work only because they�d be bored at home. If money were no object, I could be perfectly satisfied with hobbies and lessons and travel, long naps under a shady beach umbrella, good books, movies, museums, shopping. No problems there at all. So where do I sign up?

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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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