Back in the small Ohio town in whose bosom I was nurtured for the first 34 years of my life, there are several small family bakeries that are notable for producing mouth-watering specialty confections. I still have wet dreams about the eclairs from G@ne�s Bakery, and I haven�t had a decent iced cut-out cookie since I moved away from my beloved B#ckeye Bakery.

They have those things up here in Chicagoland, but they�re just not the same as the ones from back home. But my biggest and most bitter Illinois baked-goods disappointment came when I first purchased locally a donut called a �long john.�

I didn�t get to be the weight I am by craving salad, you know, and one of my very favorite indulgences since I was a little kid has been cream-filled donuts of various types. Jolly Pirate and Dunkin� Donuts both carry several similar types... normal-sized round donuts, frosted or powdered-sugar coated and containing either vanilla or chocolate cream. But my favorite was the jumbo-sized, long frosted cream-filled donut known as the long john, or �cream stick.� Five inches of pure, cream-filled heaven! I adored them, and on the rare occasions I received one in which the cream didn�t reach from end to end, no doubt due to having been filled by a lazy, evil bakery peon, my disappointment was much more bitter than was probably warranted by the situation. But I LIKES my cream filling, ok?

So... I moved to Illinois, and one evening I had a hankering for not just an ordinary donut, but for a special confection... thickly maple-frosted and filled with acres of fluffy, sugary, sickening-sweet cream. A long john!

I pulled into Dunkin� Donuts, ordered a maple long john and a coffee to go, and went out to my car to snarf it down like the classy broad that I am. I was keenly disappointed that there was no cream in the first bite... damn lazy bakery peons anyway! But I persevered, dutifully munching away the dry part of the donut to reach my prized cream, getting madder and madder as I progressed further and further through the donut without experiencing the bliss of pure creamed sugar washing over my expectant taste buds.

Something was definitely wrong here. In the semi-darkness of the car, I inspected the donut and sure enough, I did NOT find the tell-tale bung-hole where the cream filling should have been piped in. This donut was defective! I�d been ripped off!

I marched back into Dunkin� Donuts, handed my half-eaten long john to the cashier, and politely explained that I�d gotten a defective donut and could he please replace it with a cream-filled long john? He had a strong Indian accent, so there was a bit of a communication barrier, but I could have sworn he said that their long johns aren�t a cream-filled variety of donut. Indignant now, I insisted that they most certainly WERE a cream-filled variety and would he PLEASE look and find me one that had cream? After several minutes of him looking at me like I was a crazy woman, being pig-headedly argumentative and stubbornly refusing to find me a cream-filled long john, I finally bitchily requested that he just give me a regular cream-filled donut, which he seemed reluctant to do; but then again, I think he recognized the wild desperate look in my eye of a rampaging sugar addict, and reckoned that it would be best to just humor me so I�d shut up and leave his little shop in peace. I snatched up the small vanilla cream replacement donut in a huff and stalked out, vowing never to darken the doorway of these donut ripoff artists ever again. The NERVE of some people, selling cream sticks without the cream and then ARGUING with me about it!

A few weeks later I was in the 7-11, again looking for something sweet (are we sensing a pattern here?) when I spied their donut case containing several luscious-looking long johns. I chose a fat, maple-frosted one and once again was getting all giddy with the anticipation of sweet creamy goodness. And was left frustrated and wanting upon the munching of said donut, which to my utter surprise again turned out to be creamless. But I did have a sudden, horrible realization...

Duuuuhhh.... Long johns in Illinois are NOT a cream-filled variety of donut! And so that makes ME the crazy one, not the poor chap behind the Dunkin� Donuts counter, upon whom I�d so shamelessly vented my indignation!

Gawd, I hate when that happens.

But I still don�t see the point of a long john without cream. It�s just not natural, I tell you!

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