I feel really, really cruddy today.

First of all, the double-stuff Oreos I ate for supper last night and breakfast this morning were a really BAD idea. I feel nauseous, bloated and headachy, and if I could stick my finger down my throat and send the disgusting contents of my stomach spewing into the toilet and flush it out of my life, I would. Unfortunately, I�m a frustrated bulimic with either an underdeveloped gag reflex or a cast-iron stomach.

There is squat to eat in this house. I had planned on going to the grocery store for real food today and using the junk food I bought last night as filler, but that idea got shot down at the very last minute by the Prince suddenly remembering he HAD to have the car today or else miss a shrink appointment... meaning we�d be stuck with a $150 bill that the insurance would neither pay nor apply to the deductible.

Having had my entire day planned out around having the car, this news did not sit well with me, coming as it did at 6:14 in the morning, literally one minute before we were due to walk out the door to take the Prince to the train station. I am not proud of the fit I threw upon finding this out. But I don�t shift gears well under the best of circumstances, and stopping on a dime and rearranging my entire day is just too much of a strain on my mis-wired nervous system. Apparently, my neurological development was retarded somewhere around the age of three. Understanding this does not make it any easier to deal with... thank goodness the Prince has, for the most part, learned how not to make it any worse. He uses a crucifix and garlic to ward off the worst of the attack and then lies low for a while until I blow over. Poor guy.

My mood has not been helped any by lack of sleep due to the fact that the Prince and I stayed up late arguing about, of all things, whether someone we met recently is a snob or not. It also didn�t help matters that the person in question was a cute girl and the Prince seemed to be defending all the things she said and did that I found distasteful. Even though he and I were sitting side-by-side talking to her, from the vastly different opinions we formed, it seems as if we had two completely different conversations with her. His views seem to me to be unwarrantedly rose-colored... by her cute-itude, perhaps? Her superior attitude, obsession with brand-name and price, and what I took as an obvious over-concern with projecting a certain �image,� the Prince charitably chalked up to other, less-obnoxious causes. I just really, really didn�t care for her. The Prince really thought she was groovy. And our argument became heated for the simple reason that each of us was incredulous at the impressions of her as expressed by the other.

I�m not usually too bugged by the Prince�s being attracted to other women... lawd knows I like cute girls (and the occasional cute guy) myself! Even though our taste in women rarely matches, I don�t usually have a problem with the types of girls he likes, even if I don�t understand the attraction. It�s just that this one was such a �bitch.� Not that she was particularly mean to me personally or anything, but nevertheless a definite bitch in that junior-high, queen-of-the-popular-crowd sense that most of us normal-type women recognize instantly and despise.

I�ve just had my illusions completely shattered that a superficial attitude like hers is something that my beloved Prince would, in all his discerning wisdom and love of that which is genuine, also easily recognize and find unattractive. Instead, I find that the only reason he claims not to be interested in dating a woman like that is because, basically, it would be too much work. He�d rather have a nice low-self-esteem girl like me any day�not because my lovely, down-to-earth soul makes me more attractive than the beautiful bitch types, but simply because girls like me don�t require so much attention and admiration and financial investment.

Now don�t get me wrong... I�m sure that�s not really true, except once in a while in my own twisted mind when it seems like the obvious explanation for anything that has ever gone wrong in my love relationships. I know that the Prince loves me. I�m so awful to live with so much of the time that he MUST love me, as I certainly have nothing compelling to offer that would make it worthwhile for him to hang around me if he didn�t. And I know that it�s my own mind that is making a big deal out of our disagreement. Don�t misunderstand... even the rational side of my brain believes his impressions of her are hormonally-driven horseshit somewhat misguided. It�s just that I know that it shouldn�t bother me if he likes someone I think is kind of a toad.

I�m just annoyed to find that some old, rusty buttons of mine are being pushed by this stupid argument. As much as I detest the mindset that one person is better than another by virtue of such superficial things as looks and sophistication and money, there is still a part of me that believes that if only I were thin and pretty enough, if only I knew the right things to wear and say and do and buy, that maybe I�d actually feel �good enough� for once in my life, and could finally quit loathing the unattractive loser I see when I look into the mirror and into my soul.

That�s not HIS problem... my self-esteem was in the toilet long before the Prince ever came into my life. It�s just that when my mind inevitably runs to making comparisons between �that� kind of girl, and �this� kind of girl, I�d like to think that the quirkiness and individuality of �this� kind of girl actually WINS over superficial qualities in the hearts and minds of thoughtful, independent men. It�s only that thought that has ever kept me from feeling like second best.

***************

Well, THAT was fun, wasn�t it? Let�s see if we can find some better news.

Oh, here�s a piece... today is the first day of a four-day weekend for me! Can�t beat THAT with a stick.

It�s a damn good thing I�ve got some time off this weekend, too. Contrary to the appearance created by the opening paragraph of this entry, I DON�T actually intend to spend four days stuffing my fat face with Oreos and pizza and feeling sorry for myself for being a fat, boring, lazy cow. (Oh, wait... this was supposed to be the happy portion of the entry, wasn�t it? Never mind then.) Besides the heavy-duty relaxing I have planned, with four days to spare I should be able to get a fair amount of cleaning and organizing in as well. I�ve been wanting to steam the living room carpet for weeks now, but I can never seem to hit that magical moment in time where the carpet can actually be SEEN at the same time I have enough time to run the steamer over it. Hopefully Sunday or Monday.

I�m feeling a little pressure about getting organized over the next few weeks, as I�ve signed up for a record FOUR classes in school next quarter. It doesn�t sound like that much, but with the 15 credit hours plus homework and all the bus-riding back and forth, I should be pretty damn busy. I really need to get back to that point I was a couple of years ago where I had everything on a schedule and the house practically ran itself.

So on that optimistic note, I�m off to find something constructive to do.

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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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