If you are lying on your back on the floor, do not attempt to brush your hair out of your eyes with the back of your hand, if you happen to be holding an eight-pound dumbbell in that same hand.

If given a chance, your cat may enjoy helping you exercise. This morning I had one helping to hold me down by sitting on my chest while I lay on the floor doing dumbbell chest presses, while her brother performed the helpful service of being exactly underneath my elbow every time I attempted to lower the weight to the floor.

It is totally worth it to get up at 4 a.m. to do your workout if it means you get to avoid the prying eyes and hysterical laughter of the resident obnoxious teenager while making your clumsy attempts at saluting the sun. Even if said sun has not yet arrived in your hemisphere, it�s the thought and the pain that counts.

Yoga is not for pussies.

In other news, I think I may have poisoned myself. See, I have this very attractive rash on my stomach, because apparently fat and stretchmarks are not enough to appease the gods in charge of making me feel shitty about myself. Obviously, I need to be covered in itchy, red, zit-like bumps in order to experience self-loathing at its finest.

I�ve been fighting off this little affliction for the past few weeks. I couldn�t be any cleaner or better exfoliated without taking a cheese grater and scrubbing my skin clean off (and don�t think I haven�t thought about it.) I�ve changed soaps several times, tried using acne-fighting body wash, scrubbed with bath mitts, doused with vinegar water, and even tried going ultra-gentle washing with a washcloth and a cleanser so mild one could use it as a lubricant to masturbate with in the tub. (Not that I would have first-hand knowledge of that or anything.) I�ve tried slathering my after-bath body with Aveeno cream, zinc oxide ointment, calendula gel, aloe, and tea tree oil. Nothing has helped.

The only thing that seemed to be working even a little bit is wiping down with witch hazel a couple of times a day. But it�s only working a little bit. It occurred to me that maybe it could be a reaction to one of the bazillion supplements I�ve been taking... I�ve been fighting this for a few weeks and come to think of it, I did start taking some amino acids a few weeks ago...

So I quit taking them starting today, thinking I may have poisoned myself with tyrosine or phenylalanine or something. And last night I tried yet another topical treatment for the rash... calamine lotion. Because I figured it�d be kind of drying, like the witch hazel, plus it has zinc in it which is supposed to be good for your skin, sorta.

Another tip from your Auntie Ame... if you have to put calamine lotion on your body, don�t just pour it in your hands and slather it on. I did this twice over the course of last evening, and �kind of drying� doesn�t even begin to cover the effect this stuff has. The skin of my hands has sucked up into a leathery covering for a pair of useless claws that even multiple washings with soap and copious amounts of rich lotion haven�t been able to rehydrate. And the smell... this nasty chemical-mineral smell is just clinging to my hands and is making me physically ill. I�ve been nauseous all day and I don�t know if it�s the smell from my hands or if I�m absorbing too much zinc from the gallon of calamine slathered on my belly or if I�m just suffering from a fit of hypochondria, but I feel like complete dick today.

So no more calamine for me... it�s back to the witch hazel, and now I guess I just wait and see if this stupid shit clears up on its own since I�ve quit the aminos. Because the next step will have to be a dermatologist, and I can�t say I�m too eager to expose the loveliness of my affliction to the scrutiny of even the most professionally inured pair of eyes.

I�ll now leave you with the charming mental pictures you are no doubt entertaining, and drag my sorry carcass off to bed. Tomorrow�s workout comes early.

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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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