My new vacuum cleaner really sucks. What a concept, eh?

A li�l housekeeping tip from your Auntie Ame... if you are ever tempted to buy yourself a vacuum cleaner with the word �Lite� in its name, save yourself $59 and a headache. It would be faster and more efficient to get down on all fours and suck the dirt off the carpet with a curly straw.

Lite vacuums are for those rare specimens of humanhood who live alone, without pets, and never drop anything more strenuous than a single perfect crumb of foccacia on the floor and then pick it up right away with a tissue. Lite in a vacuum cleaner�s name translates to �this device will become permanently retarded in a horrible penny-sucking incident on the second day of use, and will forever after make a grand show of producing enough decibels to permanently damage the hearing of the people in the next apartment building while managing to suck very little in the way of actual dirt off your floor.�

So I finally I got fed up trying to clean my floors with a piece of shit (do the visual, it�s funny) so we took my first real paycheck and trotted off to where else? Wal Mart, and picked ourselves up new vacuum. I thought we might get something nicer by spending a bit more than sixty bucks this time, so I was a little wary of the pricing structure of the vacuum selection WM carries. Lots of el cheapos in the $49-69 range, a few hovering right around a hundred, and then a couple of dee-luxe models going for somewhere around $200. Which was a bit rich for my blood (and it shows you where my priorities lie that the very next day I spent $159 on an item out of a sex toy catalogue. Well, if we were going to fuck on the floor I might have been willing to shell out a bit more for the vacuum, but with four horking, barfing, shedding, ass-wiping, hair-ball spewing critters running around this here place, even a well-vacuumed carpet does not appeal as a place to park my uncovered backside.) So anyway, I didn�t want to spend the $200 but I was a bit suspicious of the 80-90-100-dollar models. We finally decided on a Eureka for 100, Alex. Because it said �Boss� in the name and that sounded nice and butch, like it was going to come into my home, take control and really whip my carpet into shape. And that excited me.

It�s sad that the high point of my week so far has been vacuuming my rug, but damn! The new vacuum is doing a helluva decent job. It makes a quiet yet powerful whooshing sound like the cyclone from the Wizard of Oz, smells like a new car, and sucked the pattern right up off the carpet. (Which may not have been a pattern after all, now that I think about it. I told you our old vacuum was for shit.) I heart my new vacuum.

We also finally made the leap into the brand-new century and got new cell phones yesterday. Mine plays the �lala, la la la, warm it up� portion of �Milkshake.� Oh, and I think it has some other features too. Like I can talk to people on it and stuff.

So um, yeah... new phones, new vacuum, a stack of sex books (both porn and how-to�s,) a new sex toy coming in the mail. Almost makes up for a dead washer, I think.

Yes, the new-to-us washer from a couple of months ago has met an untimely demise. Oh, it�s good and dead, too. It started making this unholy racket during its final spin cycle, ground to a halt with the terrible skreeeeeeeeeeee sound of metal eating metal, and when we were finally brave enough to open the lid, we found a sheared off bolt and a torn piece of metal something or other in the bottom of the tub.

Now, a normal family would just call maintenance for a new one, but not us. Last time it took them over a week to get the washer replaced, which means the cats had to stay in bedroom lockdown that entire time. Which sucks for them, but the real problem is, I don�t trust maintenance not to go poking around in our apartment if they come in when we are not here. Especially not if they hear unearthly growling, mrrrrrowing, hissing and scrabbling sounds coming from behind the closed bedroom door. Sounds that could be muffled by the strategic use of fans and TV noise if someone were home, but it might look just a tad suspicious to have all our noisiest devices running in an unoccupied apartment.

So, I think our safest bet is just to use the laundromat for a few weeks until the Evil Childe is out of school and able to be here during the day to deal with wildlife management issues. Actually, I don�t even mind going to the laundromat all that much... lots of hot Latina chicks to ogle, and at the end of two hours of ogling and reading my book, I have all my laundry done for the entire week. Not much of a downside there.

And so on that note, I must be off to gather up my dirty underwear from the four corners of the apartment where the cats have dragged it, and then it�s off to the wishy-washy.

Might even get out to see a movie if we have time today. Homework? What homework?

2 felt the need to share

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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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