To belatedly answer LA�s question from a few entries back, the $159.00 sex shop purchase was a set of SportSheets. Because every now and again, a girl has just got to tie up her Prince and take what she needs.

Why is it that people who thrive on drama always seem to be able to manifest as much or more of it into their lives as they can handle, but the stuff I thrive on I can't get my hands on to save my ass?

See, I don�t get into the drama thing so much. In fact, it�s pretty safe to say I hate the shit. Hate. Oh, I�m all full of inner turmoil, there�s no doubt about that, but that lives mostly in my head and sometimes on the pages of this diary with only occasional forays out into my real life, which I generally wind up regretting bitterly. Which sucks too, but it's the never-a-dull-moment drama of illnesses and problems and scrapes with the law I can REALLY do without. And the heavy interpersonal drama? I just don�t do at all if I can help it. I loathe that whole cycle of misunderstandings and anger and tears and recriminations and endless discussions and clarifications and apologies and hugs all around and make-up sex (depending on who you happen to be dramatizing with.) God, just thinking about listening to the sound of my own voice droning on and on as I try to explain and re-explain and clarify my position on some insignificant-but-now-overblown issue makes my butthole clench up tight like an angry sea anemone. Thinking about listening to someone else doing it? Makes me want to change my name and face and move far, far the hell away, with no forwarding address. I hate it that much. Seriously fucking much. SERIOUSLY.

So why is it that drama abounds in my life when I loathe it so? Personally, I thrive on things like sleep and money and sex and good books and plenty of time to myself to put the aforementioned to good use. Why can�t those things abound in my life for awhile?

Speaking of changing my name (yes I was, briefly, in the paragraph before last,) I am thinking about getting my name legally changed. I�ve always hated my name. �Amy Sue� sounds hillbilly and hokey. Plus, it�s a name I associate with being a bad little kid that nobody liked. I used to think that the healthy thing to do would be to somehow grow into liking my given name, or at least coming to terms with it in some way. But having changed my last name several times in my life, I realized that I�m really, seriously happy to be rid of my maiden name and all the negative baggage I associate with it, and I suspect that changing my first name would be a similarly satisfying experience.

I�m not thinking anything too drastic, anyway. I want to change from Amy to Aimee. It�s a name I�ve used online for years anyhow, and my dad recently reminded me that I used to spell it that way in junior high, and for some reason he even sent me a birthday card with my name spelled that way. Early Alzheimers? Or did my dad subconsciously pick up on my desire to be a different person than I used to be?

My middle name I want to change to Marie. It�s my grandmother�s middle name, and my daughter�s. I think it would be nice to have that connection with both of them. Another bit of strangeness... today I finally got my log in for the computer network at work. (I�d been using a generic temp address up til today.) The user name is supposed to be my initials. They assigned me the user name AMT. (My real last name begins with a T, for those a little slow on the uptake.)

So I don�t know. I�m still thinking. I don�t see any reason why I shouldn�t do it... I�m sure my dad could give a rat�s ass, my mother is out of the picture, and my grandmother will probably be somewhat pleased even as she tisks and rolls her eyes at this latest manifestation of my inner weirdness. I wonder how much of a legal pain in the ass it is, and how much it would cost? I�ll have to ask my brother... he changed his middle and surnames a couple of years ago to rid himself of the name of the evil sperm donor he only ever met once that he can remember.

So there you have a good portion of the shit that is floating around in my brain tonight. I didn�t think I had much to talk about and was going to fill out a quiz-type thingie for fun, but I guess I�ll just save that for tomorrow or whenever. Tonight I must hit the sheets, and not for any fun reasons either. The Prince is fast asleep on the couch, and I hurt my favorite diddling finger earlier today in a tragic mishap with a gel wrist-rest and some staples.

Sleep. Sleep would be good now.

6 felt the need to share

Previous - Next
Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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