Momentous event for me today� I took a shit at work. Is that a special moment, or what?

No, seriously. You have no idea what a breakthrough that was for me. I�ve got the shyest pooper in the world. It doesn�t matter how miserably constipated I am, I could sit on the toilet all day long at work and not produce so much as a tiny squeaky little wet fart. Everyone poops, or so the story goes, and my head knows this, but somewhere deep down inside I am apparently terribly ashamed of crapping and no amount of desperate or encouraging self-talk has so far been able to move my bowels to, um, MOVE while in a public toilet.

But today I was inspired by the German food that was on the menu at a work party last night and the leftovers I ate for lunch. Sauerkraut� man, that stuff is like Liquid Plumber for my innards. So I did the mad dash for the stall at break time and did my first business ever at my place of business, and for someone who is all shy about doing the poo, I sure do derive great glee from talking about it.

Just for shits and grins I told the Prince about my latest milestone, and was quite proud of the fact that, even though I�ve never actually shit in public before, I still have managed to pick up on the etiquette. Even though there was no one in the room at the time, I remembered to do the courtesy flush as soon as the kids hit the pool; and then when all was said and done, I even used the evil-smelling �air freshener� spray my coworkers seem so fond of.

Me, I don�t care so much for the spray. It doesn�t actually get rid of the eau de poo any faster than it would dissipate naturally, and it certainly doesn�t do any kind of a job of covering it up, either. Vanilla spray plus the smell of poop equals Shit Cookie in my book. Air freshner just doesn�t make the poo smell any better, but it has put me off several otherwise perfectly good fragrances for life� like cherry almond for instance.

We girls really use the freshner spray like an animal sprays its urine� as a wordless means of communication with other girls. It�s shorthand for, �So sorry about the smell. I am truly not a disgusting pig, and I would spare you from my stench if I possibly could. Thank you for not thinking badly of me while you�re gagging on my reek.�

So I�m trying to explain all this to the Prince just for the sheer fun of oversharing, and he�s going, �Spray? What do you mean, �spray?�� And I�m thinking he�s kidding, pretending like guys don�t care about that stuff, but he�s all serious.

�No, really, what do you mean you sprayed after you pooped� sprayed what?� And I was incredulous� he�d never heard of air freshener spray? Oh, yeah, he said, he knows what that is, but he�d never actually SEEN it in a public bathroom before!

So either men�s bathrooms never have spray because men ARE pigs who don�t care about inflicting butt-stench upon each other, or else my husband is terribly inobservant and lacking in couth. (The latter is not too farfetched a possibility, as even he would likely admit.) It would be interesting to know which it is.

On a somewhat related note, is it weird to fall in love with a woman while she�s describing how she shit her pants in her car? Margaret Cho is funny as shit and terribly cute and sexy and clever on her DVD �Revolution.� I want her for my new girlfriend.

6 felt the need to share

Previous - Next
Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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