My last entry got me to thinking about what I referred to as my "fidelity issues." There are a lot of things that I think contributed to my desires for connections outside my marriage, but I think the main one is that I was never really in love with Dick. We hooked up fairly quickly after I divorced my first husband, and even though I had kind of wanted to play the field for awhile, Dick was so nice that I decided to hang onto him, believing that I'd surely fall in love with him as time went on.

That never happened, but the sex was good and we had fun going out and partying together so there was never a pressing reason to break up. The relationship just kept drifting along from milestone to milestone until we wound up married.

Looking back, it's pretty apparent that we should have ended things after the first year of living together. There was an incident with an ex-girlfriend that I never quite forgave him for, there was a lot of fighting over his drinking and our mutual money issues, he had trouble holding a job, and it became apparent to me that I couldn�t entirely trust him because he was a chronic liar.

We were in the midst of all that mess when I developed my first infatuation. That right there should have been a big blinky sign that I wasn't emotionally committed to the relationship with Dick, but far be it from me to pay attention to something silly like THAT. We lived together stormily for awhile and then went on to get MARRIED for chrissake, and from that point on, the only thing that interrupted my "falling in lust with other people" hobby was having a baby and being stuck at home where I never saw anyone, which dried up the pool of potential lustables pretty thoroughly for awhile.

Just for fun -- here, in chronological order, are the sordid details of as many of my infatuations as I can remember:

Don - I actually went to high school with Don my freshman year, and even though I knew that he liked me then I never gave him a second thought. While he was kind of cute, he was one of those late-bloomer types who, at 15 still had not actually hit puberty.... hell, his voice hadn't even started to change! We were friendly, though, until I moved away that same year. When next we met about 5 years later, he was working as an electrician at a store I was helping to open. I would never have known him if he hadn't recognized me and said something... he had blossomed into a major hottie! Tall, tan and nicely muscled, he resembled a young Bruce Springsteen. He wasted no time in asking if I was married, in that "hope-not" sort of way, and I was downright disappointed to have to tell him I was living with someone. With Don there was no danger of hanky-panky. He was a genuinely nice guy who simply would not have stooped to messing with a married woman. We once again remained friendly for the entire time we worked there together, but I was big-time infatuated with him. We actually crossed paths a few more times over the years (it was a small town,) and I found out he got married, to a girl who actually looked quite a bit like I had looked in high school. (I like to flatter myself by thinking he had pined for me all those years and finally settled on a cheap imitation.) But when I ran into him again a few years later, he was somewhat worse for wear, paunchy and unkempt and not a little bitter. He had just broken up with his wife after finding out that she was cheating on him.

Jeff - I met Jeff a few months after Don and I lost touch the first time. We were working at a fast food restaurant together. I was 21 and he was 17. I can't even remember why I was attracted to him, but for weeks I was obsessed. We flirted on the job every night when things were slow, and once I fondled his naked erection in the freezer. Nothing more ever came of that one, as I recall he was more interested in pursuing some of the younger and more single girls we worked with. Go figure.

Todd - Dick and I had just gotten married when I met Todd at another restaurant I worked at. He was 18 years old, skinny and cute only in the way that some really homely people are. But god... he had a way of looking at a woman and saying things that would make you feel like the most desirable woman that every lived. He'd look me up and down and suck in his breath like he could barely keep from taking me right then and there against the kitchen counter, and he had this intense way of staring into my eyes just a little too long that would just melt my drawers. He once told me I had the best ass of all the waitresses who worked there, which might have sounded offensive coming from some guys, but he had the young-innocent thing going for him so I never could get mad at him. I wanted to make a man out of him so bad it wasn't even funny. I actually propositioned him once... I'd have fucked him silly in the backseat of my car in a heartbeat, but he turned me down. Had too much respect for my husband, he said. Apparently he didn't have all that much respect for the husband of Pat, another waitress who worked there. She was in her mid-thirties and OBSESSED with her looks and staving off the horrors of age, and she was quite jealous of the attention I got from the guys, me being 21 and rather pretty at the time. She wasn't a bit interested in Todd until she found out I liked him, then she went balls-out after him and I heard they hooked up after I quit a few months later. He also dated Steph, this gorgeous rich blonde bitch who was waitressing there the summer before college and who told him flat-out that he wasn't socially acceptable enough to be a serious boyfriend, but she used him as a summer piece of ass anyhow. I hated those two bitches with a passion for stealing �my� boyfriend.

Laura - Laura worked with me at the same job as Todd. I was never infatuated with her, but I include her on the list because she wanted to fuck me and I was extremely tempted. She was in her thirties and while not exactly my type, I did think she was attractive. She took me out for lunch one day and got me drunk, and I wound up spending a good chunk of the afternoon modeling lingerie for her. I might have actually went for the gold if I hadn't felt so sick from the wine buzz wearing off by the time we got to her place. We never got around to going out again, and I think she may have hooked up with Pat at one point too. (Pat was a bigger slut than me, apparently. Competitive bitch.) Laura is the one opportunity I really regret not going for. I was attracted to her and comfortable with her from spending time chatting at work but there was no real friendship to worry about messing up with sex. She'd have been perfect for a casual fuck, and probably good at it too. If I had known then that my marriage was eventually going to be toast anyway, I'd have made that happen for sure.

Michelle - I met Michelle at yet another restaurant I worked in. I had always kind of had a taboo against being sexually attracted to women I was friends with, but she and I weren�t really friends at first so I felt perfectly fine about checking out the T & A. She was quite a bit younger than me and single, so I didn�t think we had enough in common to be friends outside of work. But as it turned out we did wind up being close friends, and it was weird for me being attracted to her. She claimed she was straight, but from the time she found out I was bi she seemed to really enjoy teasing me, dressing sexy, being really physical, wandering around her house naked when I was there. She wasn�t all that pretty but she was very feminine and flirty, and she had these incredible dark eyes and a really nice body. I desperately wanted to fuck her but whenever the topic came up (jokingly, usually) she always stated flat-out that she was straight, couldn�t see how a woman could be attracted to another woman, said she didn�t have a problem with me being bi but personally the idea of having sex with another woman kind of grossed her out. Then she�d grab my boobs and curl up in my lap to watch TV.

The girl had lots of issues, and she is the reason I have become wary of people who are in bad relationships or who seem very needy of my time and attention. At first I was flattered that she confided in me about her troubled relationship with her on-again, off-again boyfriend (who was now with another girl but still came around regularly to get a piece of ass from Michelle) and that she always seemed to need me around to help her with stuff� she always wanted my company, needed my opinion, needed a shoulder to cry on. I let myself get sucked into her drama big time. I spent far more time and energy than I should have helping her, advising her, comforting her when the boyfriend shit on her yet again. She was this little girl lost and somehow I got seduced into playing the role of rescuer. But it wasn�t really rescue she was looking for� she simply couldn not stand to be alone, and she would use whatever it took to keep me coming around. When I started school and no longer had time to be at her beck and call, she dropped me cold and took up with someone else. By then my infatuation had cooled considerably and I was relieved to be rid of her. But the year I spent under her spell took a huge toll on my marriage. Dick knew I had a thing for her and it bugged him to no end, but I absolutely refused to stop seeing her. I stopped short of ever trying to outright seduce her myself (though for awhile I was convinced she secretly wanted me too) but I know if she�d have made a real move on me, I�d have allowed myself to be �swept away by passion.� Alas, she never did. It�s probably better that I never got to fuck her, but still�*wistful sigh*

Sam - Sam worked at the same restaurant as Michelle. He was 17 at the time and I was 32. Yeah, I know, ewwwwwww. But he wasn�t awkward and goofy like many 17-year-olds, and I wasn�t exactly a hag, and we didn�t actually DO anything but flirt. I did have enough sense not to even think seriously about going for a piece of that. But god, was he hot. He was some kind of Pacific Islander-type of ethnic, and he had these big dark eyes and an incredible smile. He had a good sense of humor too, and we�d flirt and banter back and forth, and then he�d give me this sultry look and say, �So� when are you going to get divorced so I can fuck you?� And my knees would go absolutely weak. Like I said, there was NO chance I was ever going to mess with someone under-age when I was that far over 18, but you can be damn sure he fueled an awful lot of horny fantasies for awhile.

Tom - I�ve written about Tom before, so I�m not going to dignify the relationship by going into it yet again. He was the months-long internet infatuation that rendered me temporarily insane and eventually led to the busting up of my marriage. �Nuff said.

Those were the major infatuations, the ones that kept my head in the clouds and my panties damp for weeks or months on end. In between, I know there were a few minor shorter-term crushes as well. None of which was healthy for the marriage at all. Personally, I don�t think outside attractions are necessarily bad if the marriage is healthy, but if your head is more outside than inside, there is something very wrong.

I knew that my messing around was wrong of course, but when I thought about consequences I only ever imagined Dick as being angry if he found out. I was shocked and dismayed to my very core to realize how deeply HURT he was when the thing with Tom came to light. Nothing like watching someone you care about sob heartbrokenly over your stupid ass to make you feel like a complete worthless turd.

Even though in the five years I�ve been with the Prince I�ve never once had an infatuation like those above, the horribleness of how my last marriage ended is permanently etched on my psyche.

I think the reason I don�t NEED to feel those infatuated feelings for anyone else anymore is because this time around, I feel them for my husband. I didn�t just drift into this relationship� we fell in love and MADE the relationship happen and went to some trouble to do it. I love my husband madly, and those feelings have been consistent even through some pretty rocky times in our relationship. I don�t need to go looking for butterflies anywhere else.

But even if I didn�t feel that way about him, I still wouldn�t cheat on him, because I simply could not stand the guilt of hurting him like that. I learned that lesson well.

Apparently I�m not naturally sexually monogamous, although I am capable of being emotionally monogamous if my needs for connection are satisfied within a relationship. The Prince feels the same way. I don�t know that we�ll ever actually get around to having outside adventures (we�re definitely not ready to do that now,) but I think just knowing that the possibility exists that we could at some point work something out if we wanted to is kind of a safety valve for me that keeps me from feeling too restricted.

So with all that said, I think maybe I could safely shed this fat suit without too much danger of going on a mad spree of fucking anything that moves. Though that does sound kind of like fun, now that I mention it.

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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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