2005-07-30 - 8:11 a.m.
Ever really listen to the behind-the-scenes bullshit that goes on in your head? For me there is usually a weird, nasty little monologue going on in the background of my brain that I don't even realize I'm listening to. Hell, sometimes it's even a dialogue.
Let's tune in:
"Hmmmph. How come Dee has such a great life and I don't? Girl gets everything she wants. Look at her... she can’t be much younger than I am and she's overweight, but she's all tan and wearing those sunglasses, looking all cool and shit. And she has her last name on the license plate of her car. I never got why people do that, it seems a little conceited. But kind of cool, maybe... in a ‘Hey look at me, I'm cool, I'm JONES, baby!’ kind of way."
"Maybe it was her husband's idea."
"Well, yeah, but he's probably cool too. They're probably a cool couple and that's why they have such a great life."
"Remember the Jamaica trip she told everyone about, and it turned out to be to one of those Hedonistic resorts you always wanted to go to? And they went on the nude beach, and she brought in pictures of topless strippers to show everyone? And you were soooooo envious, because you always wanted to go there. But you never would because a) you're poor and b) you're fat and you'd be too ashamed to parade YOUR naked fat on a public beach.”
“Yeah, I was definitely envious because they could afford to go to Jamaica and we can’t.”
“How do you know they could afford it? Maybe they put it on a credit card.”
“Well, then I’m envious because they have good credit. Anyway, it’s not just about money. I’m also envious because Dee seemed so confident and nonchalant about getting naked in public even though she's overweight. And not only that, she came in and talked about it at work like it was no big deal, and nobody even seemed to think anything bad about it at all.”
“Wouldn’t you have done that?"
"Maybe... but I would feel weird about it, like I was oversharing. Always gotta be worried about that approval rating, you know. Though I don't feel like I engage in all that much approval seeking behavior, I mean, I do what I want to do, for the most part..."
"True, but you're always worried about being judged and disapproved of. There's a reason why you don't talk about your life much, you know."
"Well, yeah. It’s like this: You know how sometimes you'll be talking to someone you don't know very well, and they start telling what they obviously believe is an amusing anecdote, except that it's far too personal and sounds so dysfunctional that you can't even begin to think of an appropriate comment to make? So you stand there feeling really uncomfortable, nodding, with a polite smile plastered to your face, while inside your head you are going Oh. My. God.
And you know that the person is expecting you to laugh and say, 'Oh, yeah, I know how THAT is!' Only you DON'T know how that is, because you've only ever seen shit like that on Jerry Springer, so you just change the subject as quick as you can because you don't know what to say, and the person is standing there looking a little bewildered and deflated and you both just kind of wander off wishing you'd never had the conversation?"
"Yeah, that is uncomfortable, for sure."
"Well, I'm afraid all my anecdotes are like that."
"With good reason."
"Shut up. The point is, that's why I don't talk about my life that much. And I'm envious that Dee can just come in all carefree and blab about her somewhat off-color stuff and nobody expresses the slightest signs of being shocked or offended."
"So you think Dee has a great life because she's cool, and because she went to Jamaica naked and isn't ashamed to talk about it."
"Well, that, plus her teenage daughter got picked to go to Europe on some kind of ambassadorship thingy. My kid just busted up my window screen for the third time breaking into the apartment because she lost her keys, and at the moment my greatest ambition for her is that she not forget to take her birth control pill. Obviously Dee is receiving some kind of Great Parenting Award from the universe, while the best I can hope for is a cover appearance on Rotten Mothers Weekly. It sucks."
"Come on. You don't know Dee well enough to know how great her life is or isn't. No one is always smiled upon by fortune. Remember her sister died last year?"
"Oh yeah, that was really sad. I forgot about that."
"Oh, and what about the time she got kicked in the face by a horse? That wasn't too fortunate."
"No, but, then again... SHE HAS A HORSE! How cool is that?"
"You are sick."
"Yeah, I know."
Reading: Buddhism Without Beliefs by Stephen Batchelor
Listening to: The whir of half a dozen fans
Thinking about: Getting up and putting a load of laundry in the dryer
4 felt the need to share
Previous - Next
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27
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