What is commonly accepted as the socially correct response to the casual greeting, �How ya doin�?�

See, where I come from, what you are expected to say to the quite similar but more literate question, �How are you?� is �Fine, how are you?� Simply saying �Fine� is semi-rude... it implies that you are too self-involved or self-important to ask after the well-being of the other person. If you�re in a really rushed situation you can occasionally get by with �Fine, thank you� but you�re not supposed to make it a habit. �How are you?� is actually not something that is commonly said when passing in the hall... it�s more of a prelude to a conversation of some sort.

If you don�t know the other person, or are just passing in the hall but don�t want to chat, �Hi� or �Hey� or �Good morning� is what you would probably say where I grew up in Ohio. The Prince grew up in Georgia with a similar understanding of the rules. Down there they say it with a wide smile and a booger-eating accent* along with the person�s name... �Hey Gomer! Hey Goober! Hey Andy!� In Ohio we say it along with a briefer smile and maybe a head nod�a bit brisk, but not at all unfriendly.

*No offense intended to any of my southern readers... I�m just messing with my man. I don�t really think southerners sound dimwitted. Well, Kentuckians kind of do, but mostly ya�ll just sound cuter�n a bug�s ear.

So we are both a little at a loss as to how to deal with Chicago�s favorite greeting. �How ya doin�� IS a question, no? Yet it is a question that is all-too-frequently asked during a brief split-second of face-to-face interaction, as when passing a barely-known neighbor in the hall. There�s usually enough time to answer �Fine� but we consider that kind of rude. Yet if we try to get out a cheery �Fine, how are YOU doing?� by the time we�re done the other guy is already halfway down the hall looking back at us as strangely as if we just stepped off the spaceship from Planet Dorkwad or something.

It occurs to me that maybe we�re just supposed to just ignore the question element and just respond �How ya doin�� right back... but the idea of adding another unanswered question to the one already hanging there seems weird. (Yes, I HAVE heard of a rhetorical question, but it just doesn�t FEEL right not to answer a personal inquiry and respond in kind, you know? I mean, if someone asked me (and very likely there are people thinking it right this very moment) �What are you, some kind of idiot?� I�m sure I would be inclined to answer (in the negative, of course) and politely inquire as to the IQ status of the asker, rhetorical question or not. I�m just conscientious that way.)

There must be a less clumsy way to handle the exchange of greetings, else surely the practice would have been replaced with something wieldier. (What... surely wieldy must be the opposite of unwieldy! It only makes sense. But then, treating �How ya doin�?� as a question makes sense too. Maybe I don�t understand how to work sense right or something. But wait... I just looked it up and wieldy is indeed the opposite of unwieldy. So maybe there is hope for me after all!) Somehow in three years of not socializing with anyone native to Chicago, neither the Prince nor I have managed to discover the rules of etiquette for this particular social convention.

I�m about to give up on my quest for social grace and just go with the goobery guy in the beer commercial and answer �Well I�m just fiiiiiiiiiine, thanks for asking! Mighty big airport ya got up here...�

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