I�m having a little trouble with one of the exercises in the misery addiction book. The author says to imagine that there is a path that leads directly to your heart�s desire and a happy life. All you have to do to set out on that path is make one phone call. How do you feel when you think about making that call? Write down any thoughts, feelings or fears that come up when you think about making that life-changing phone call.

To do the exercise, you�re not supposed to sit and think about what your heart�s desire is, or what a happy life means to you. And it�s not explained what the nature of the phone call is. I guess the point is, will you or won�t you take the final, definitive step to make your life all you ever dreamed, or is something holding you back from making that phone call� and if so, what?

I�ve been getting nowhere with this scenario. I feel like I need to know more before I could tell you with any certainty how I�d react, what my fears would be, what excuses I�d have. How uncomfortable would the phone call be? Would I have to ask for something from someone who might not want to grant it? Would I have to ask for a loan or a job in a competitive field or entry to an exclusive college program I might be rejected for? I might procrastinate a little on making an easy phone call with a guaranteed outcome but I�m pretty sure I�d make it. But if the call were uncomfortable I�d agonize over it and probably find excuses to put it off for a long time.

And what about this �path,� anyway? She didn�t say �open up a box, take out your shiny happy new life, plug it in and live happily ever after.� Starting on a path only means I will begin taking steps to get to my happy life, starting with the phone call. So I�d need to know what this path consists of. Do I have time to walk on this path successfully and still be able to make a living, enjoy my family and relax? Is it a hard path, and can someone in the �shape� I�m in realistically navigate to the end of the path where the goal lies? Is it a long path? How unpleasant will the journey be? I might have a hard time staying motivated on a long, hard journey and more so if success is uncertain.

So I was thinking that the exercise isn�t helping me, that I can�t come up with anything because the parameters are too vague, and suddenly it dawned on me: that is EXACTLY what stops me from pursuing most of my dreams: I never feel like I know enough to get started. I never feel like I�m quite ready, like I have enough tools and knowledge to stay motivated and succeed.

Art is not my only dream, but it is a good example of how I stop myself from succeeding.
Even though I really want to, even though I think about it a lot and make plans to start projects and buy how-to books and supplies, I don�t actually MAKE art very often. I never feel like I�m ready enough to just get started. I�m not quite sure how to use the supplies, or even what supplies would be best, or whether I�d enjoy using that medium. I don�t know what to draw, or how to draw it �right� so it looks artistic and not goofy. I wanna see how other people interpret the subject so I have some idea how to proceed� but then I get discouraged because I don�t want to copy someone else�s interpretation and I can�t think of anything original to do. When I think about picking up my supplies and getting started, I see myself floundering, confused, unfocused, making dumb mistakes, drawing a creative blank, getting frustrated�

I�m paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake, of failing. Of having wasted my time and money and winding up with squat to show for it. Of being disappointed in the outcome. Of not seeing adequate progress, and realizing what a far way I have to go to get good. Of not having the potential of EVER getting good. I�ve heard of a book called �Art and Fear� that I think I�ve leafed through at the bookstore. I can�t remember if I was impressed by it or not, but the title of it sticks in my mind because I do feel like there must be some sort of fear stopping me from pursuing my art more fully. I�m just not sure what exactly it is I�m afraid of.

The obvious choice would be the fear of other people�s opinion. But when it comes to art especially, I don�t think that is the case. I don�t MIND praise for something I�ve drawn or painted, but if I like what I�ve done, I�m not upset by someone else criticising or not �getting� it. I have been frustrated by teachers who don�t seem pleased with what I�ve done, but it didn�t make me like what I�d done any less. When my art is critiqued I am able to listen with a reasonably open mind. I�ll make suggested improvements if I feel they will improve the work... but if I like it the way it is, tough cookies.

As I get older I care less and less what other people think of me in general. Paradoxically, I�m also learning a bit of discretion� but really, I think it�s because I don�t feel the need to prove anything either way. I am who and what I am and those who need to know things about me will eventually know them. I don�t need to hide OR display the �real me,� not for my own self-respect nor for the approval of others. I choose to represent and reveal aspects of myself according to what feels comfortable for me and what best meets my goals in a given situation. If I don�t talk about my political or sexual orientation at work it�s because I need this job, and need to be reasonably happy in this job, and part of remaining happy in this job is maintaining good relationships with the co-workers whose good will I depend on. My self-esteem wouldn�t wither under my boss�s scorn of my bi-sexuality or my politically liberal leanings� but if he starts treating me badly because of it, that affects my day-to-day happiness on the job. I simply see no benefit to my life in adding more conflict to it.

Similar scenario with clothing and my personal image. There are certain ways I�d like to look just for my own pleasure and enjoyment, things I�d like to improve and qualities I�d like to project simply to bring my outward appearance more into line with my inner vision of myself. I like dramatic colors, funky accessories, wild hair and fun styles, and when I�m dressing to please me I truly don�t care if anyone else approves or thinks I�m dressing too young for my age or questions my taste. I LIKE my olive green hippy-dippy pants and I like how they look kind of clashy with the low-cut turquoise t-shirt and I don�t care if anyone else thinks I�m too old or fat to wear long messy hair and dark green eyeliner and six bracelets and �Dirt� perfume. That outfit really and truly makes me happy, and will continue to do so right up until the time I see a picture of myself and realize that I look ridiculous to my OWN eye. In which case I�ll no doubt swap it out for a new favorite outfit of questionable taste.

I�ve reached a point in life where I rarely worry about what others think of me unless it is expedient for me to do so. I try to seem neutral and fairly inoffensive on the job because it promotes peace and happiness in my work life. I want to learn to project a more interesting image in social situations to attract more open-minded people than I have in the past. I want to lose weight and be more attractive for purposes of gaining more sexual attention. I may be a perfectly marvelous bi-sexual liberal atheist neo-eclectic human being in my sweat pants and torn t-shirt, but sometimes I need people to see me in a certain light in order to get the kind of attention I want and I�m learning to adjust accordingly. Sometimes you gotta do what works. And that�s not a cop-out on individuality� it�s me CHOOSING to express the practical side of my nature.

So with �Art and Fear� I know I�m not afraid of what other people will say as long as I�m making things I personally like. What I am afraid of, I think, is ME. I truly am my own worst critic. When I look at a picture I�ve done and there is a lot that looks wrong to me, I have a hard time being objective. I can�t just be factual:

I can say those things but the problem is I don�t stop there. I have to make it personl. Frustration takes hold and right on its heels comes despair:

This shouldn�t be this hard. So-and-So makes it look so easy! I can�t believe that after all the time I�ve spent on this it still isn�t right. I have no talent whatsoever. If I had talent I should be better at this by now. Or maybe it�s just that I lack the drive to succeed. I know I should practice more but I don�t. What the hell is wrong with me that I can�t buckle down and focus on succeeding at something that is really important to me? Why couldn�t I be gifted at something so I wouldn�t have to go through this nightmare of failing and disappointing myself over and over again? Why can�t I just relax and enjoy the process without worrying how it comes out? Maybe I�m not cut out to be an artist if I have no natural gift and I don�t enjoy the process of getting better. But I do enjoy it immensely when it goes even a little bit good� I guess I�m just lazy. And a quitter. A lazy-assed whiny loser-quitter. I suck. SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK! And not just at art, I suck at EVERYTHING�. work, school, motherhood, relationships, creative pursuits� I have no talent, no gifts, no purpose in life�

Hmmmph. And I wonder why I get anxious when I think about picking up my sketchbook.

Of course, I don�t just play out this scenario in my artistic life� I go through this same process of foot-dragging, over-preparation, lack of confidence, fear, still more procrastination, excuse-making and eventual quitting with any new pursuit in which I don�t have a guarantee of easy success. I pay a heavy price in self-loathing and general life dissatisfaction, but I guess the payoff for not trying and risking failure is that I do get to hang onto the fantasy that I will succeed at something, some shining mythical day in the future when all the stars and planets are perfectly aligned and I am finally �ready.�

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