I didn�t want to turn this entry into another long retelling of my relationship with Dick, because I�m starting to feel like your boring Uncle Fred who�s told you the same story so many times you could tell it to yourself and not leave out a word of it. But there are a few points that are necessary to make sense of this new leg of the story.

I�ve stated many times that I was never in love with Dick, but that I stayed with him because he was a �good guy.� Which is not entirely true. I perceived him to be a good guy, but I lacked the skills to make that judgement. I grew up watching my mother be mistreated and badly abused by men; and the most normal man I knew was my father who had been very critical and controlling of both my mom and me. My first marriage was an amalgamation of almost everything I had seen growing up� Doug was critical, very controlling and emotionally abusive (and would have been physically abusive if not for the fact that I could hold my own with him in a fight.) He kept us in money problems because he didn�t want to work (and didn�t allow me to work either.) He also had a severe substance abuse problem, and was just generally a manipulative, angry, humorless prick.

Out of all the above problems the ones that I felt the most hurt by on a daily basis were the constant criticism, anger and complete lack of a sense of humor. If I had done something wrong (like leaving up the lid on the toilet,) he would berate me mercilessly. I was not about to apologize for things I didn�t feel were wrong, but I did often try to cajole and joke my way out of his bad graces, though eventually it became clear that that would only enrage him further.

When we split up and I met Dick, the thing that convinced me he was a good guy was his easy-going nature and good sense of humor. It was such a relief to be around someone who wasn�t constantly angry! And because that felt good, I thought I had stumbled upon a normal, healthy guy. I also knew just enough about psychology to be dangerous� I knew that people tend to fall in love with people who are like their parents, even if their parents weren�t very good people. I figured the fact that I didn�t fall in love with Dick right away was a GOOD sign� a sign that I wasn�t getting sucked back into another replay of all the bad relationships I�d seen and experienced in the past.

But here�s where �not knowing what normal is� comes in. Even though I felt better in a relationship where I wasn�t being constantly criticized and yelled at, there were a lot of severe problems which, while they made me upset, somehow didn�t set off the appropriate alarm bells that I needed to get the hell out of that relationship.

Dick drank a lot the first year we were together. But then again, so did I so I didn�t think much of it. But his drinking was different. Any time he wasn�t at work, he was drinking. And when he got really drunk, he changed. He sometimes became irrational, enraged and abusive. He ripped the transmission out of his mom�s van trying to drive it drunk nearly ran her over when she tried to stop him. He stole stuff. (These antics had actually gotten him kicked out of the Marines right before I met him.) The first few months of dating had been fun; but the first year of living together was stormy. We fought a lot, and sometimes violently. He lied constantly� about where he was going, who he was with, what he was doing. I�d find stashes of hidden stuff� even porn, which he knew I didn�t care about! I�d tell him if he was buying porn mags to leave them out so I could read them too. But for some reason he still felt compelled to hide them. I didn�t know at the time that lying and hiding things was as much a part of him as his dick.

I didn�t trust him any further than I could see him. I was suspicious that he still had a thing for his psycho ex-girlfriend, and I used to try to catch him with her� at her house, at friends houses, at bars. I never did� until one night I went out of town to stay with my mom to help her out with something for a couple of days. When I came back the cops were looking for Dick. I had to drag the story out of him, with much difficulty�he�d only admit to each little part of what had happened after I�d finally found irrefutable evidence that he was lying. Even though most of it eventually came out, I�m still not sure to this day that I ever got the full story. Apparently he�d gotten drunk in a bar, ran into the psycho ex-girlfriend and brought her home to our house. He slept with her in our bed (though he swears they never had sex�says she wouldn�t let him) and then while she was sleeping he stole $100 out of her purse, which is why the cops were involved.

This was the last straw for me. I was seriously, no-shit on the way out the door for good when he begged me back, cried, apologized, swore it was just the drinking and promised he�d quit.

And he did quit, and if there were ever any other cheating incidents I never found out about them. He still had trouble holding a job for awhile, we still fought a lot, and I had a lot of trouble getting over what had happened with the ex-girlfriend mostly because I believed he was still lying about it. I was not all that happy with him and should have just called it quits at some point, but how could I leave when he�d quit drinking for me? There was another point a few months later when I was on the verge of walking out because he�d lost yet another job� but again he got his ass in gear, got a job and seemed to straighten up in that area too. But right up until the day before we got married, I was mentally toying with the idea of leaving him at the alter as revenge for the ex-girlfriend incident. While I couldn�t have actually done something that mean, that should have been my wake-up call that I was not ready to be married to him.

The problem was, and continued to be throughout our marriage, that I never felt like I was justified in leaving just because I was not happy with him. There had to be some big awful thing like infidelity or abuse to serve as a catalyst, but every time there was a �last straw� topping off months or years of misery, that was finally the point Dick would finally get his ass in gear and make some changes.

But the fact is, I was miserably unhappy for most of the marriage, even when there was no Big Bad stuff going on. We rarely had a conversation about anything more weighty than �how was your day, dear?� He hated what he called �over-analyzing� stuff. To me, good conversation is as necessary to my well-being as air, but every time I tried to go deeper into a topic, to express my ideas or get him to express his, he�d roll his eyes and get mad. He never wanted to spend any time with me (except when it was time to get a piece of ass. He was all over that.) He was the most restless individual I have ever seen, outside of actual crazy people. He stayed busy until he dropped from exhaustion, and then he was fast asleep. He worked a full schedule and did odd jobs on the weekends (for money to pay for his dope and his expensive hobbies.) He let his family run him ragged. Even his idea of relaxation was exhausting� a weekend long hunting or fishing trip that required two days� preparation and the dragging of much paraphernelia to the great outdoors. I would never have gone hunting even if he�d asked, but on the rare occasions he did invite me on a fishing trip, he�d leave me and the kid to fish by ourselves while he went off in search of the perfect spot to catch bass. Spending yet another day alone with a hyperactive toddler wasn�t exactly what I had in mind for family fun time�It�s not like having worms, bugs and the blazing hot sun involved was some sort of an improvement over sitting at home alone with her. Whenever he was home he unwound by reading hunting and fishing magazines and busily taking notes.

There was one other problem that I had gotten so used to dealing with that I didn�t even know how much of a problem it was, and that is that Dick still lied a lot and I never felt like I could trust him. It had just become second nature to not believe a word he was saying unless I could verify it myself. I had the mental adjustments all worked out� �Let�s see, if he says he was at Scott�s all this time, that means he probably stopped in at Jeff�s too, which means he probably bought some pot, even though he told me this morning he didn�t have any money for us to go out later. I wonder if that slut Kim was over there too? I�ll have to call and ask Jeff�s girlfriend if he was over. �

Have you ever tried setting your clock ahead to try to trick yourself into leaving the house earlier, but it didn�t work because you mentally adjusted for it? If the clock said 8:15, you knew it was really 8:00 and so you didn�t leave until the clock said 8:30. Dealing with Dick was like that� whatever he said I would get out my slide rule and try to figure out the probability that he would lie about this particular situation and what percentage of what he told me was a lie based on the position of the stars and taking into consideration the current opportunities for mischief provided by whatever his friends were up to at the time. I had based my philosophy of marriage on the old joke: Q: How can you tell a man is lying? A: His lips are moving. I laugh at that joke whenever I hear it because in my experience it was just so true. And having to deal with it just became something that I did, and I didn�t even realize how crazy I had become because of it.

The bottom line is, I stayed with Dick because it never occurred to me that I could divorce him just because I was unhappy. He didn�t drink any more, he worked steadily, he didn�t hit me, and he wasn�t mean. He was a �good� man, and in my experience it would be foolish to leave a good man, because god knows they didn�t grow on trees.

I didn�t know what normal was. I didn�t know that there should be more to a marriage than just not being abused. I didn�t realize that absence of abuse should be a GIVEN in a marriage� just because my spouse wasn�t hateful to me didn�t mean the marriage didn�t suck. Emotional neglect and incompatibility are very valid reasons to move on from a relationship. I just had no idea I had any right to expect more.

I didn�t cheat on Dick because I was looking for sex� the sex was fine at home. Our marriage was missing many things� chiefly conversation, companionship, and the passion of being really in love with each other, but for a long time I didn�t understand how vital those things were to me. I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn�t be happy with such a great husband. Of all the things that I was missing in my marriage, the most compelling was passion and so that is where I acted out my frustrations.

I�ve learned a lot about marriage and about myself since then, and sometimes I wonder if I had stayed, would I have eventually figured out how to be happy with him?

I don�t really think so. A lot of lessons I�ve learned came as a result of what I went through. The online affair made me aware of my hunger for good conversation and mental stimulation as well as my desire for passionate love. Once that ended and I could think clearly again (without feelings for someone else clouding my judgement) I realized that I was never going to have those things with Dick. He didn�t care about them, was irritated by my desire for them, and wouldn�t have known how to go about it even if he were willing to try for my sake.

The biggest lessons I�ve learned about marriage have come about from being married to the Prince.

I�ve learned that you can get through a lot of rough stuff as a married couple if you really, truly deep-down love each other.

I�ve learned that while passion is marvelous, companionship and real conversation is vital.

I�ve learned to stop fantasizing about perfection. No man is going to be and do exactly what I would prefer 100% of the time. Sometimes the percentage dips pretty darn low, in fact. I�ve figured out that there really is a lot of wisdom in the serenity prayer. Some things are just not going to change and need to be accepted� which means I need to figure out a way to be happy in spite of them. And sometimes a guy WILLl make the effort to change for you, if you pick your battles carefully and don�t give him shit about every little thing. (I should embroider THAT on a pillow.)

I�ve learned that some people really can be trusted (it took me a couple of YEARS to let go of being suspicious of everything the Prince said and did before I realized that he really has nothing to hide and if he did plan on doing something I might not like, he�d tell me about it. It never even occurred to me that a man might simply just be honest.)

I�ve learned that you don�t have to start a fight in order to clear the air. You can just ask to talk.

I�ve learned that if a man is normal and reasonably mentally healthy he doesn�t need to play head games in order to protect his ego.

The Prince is my first experience of what �normal� feels like. He finds that amazing since he is kind of an odd duck in his very healthy, stable family; but it�s the truth. I think the only reason we mesh together so well is that he is on the weird end of normal and I am on the normal end of messed up, and we meet somewhere in the middle. The relationship is solid� now I just have to figure out how to let a healthy normality into other areas of my life.

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Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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