You want to know what�s weird? I�ll tell you what�s weird... it�s discovering that someone you know has jumped to some totally wrong conclusions about you, and not knowing if it would be a good idea to set them straight or not.

Actually, the conclusions being jumped to are not about me per se...

Here�s the thing. The Prince�s artsy-fartsy hipster cousin (who I'll refer to as "J")is the author of a popular online journal. He lives a very bohemian, starving-artist lifestyle which he chronicles in his journal along with the sordid details of his remarkably experimental sex life, and his views on everything from religion to politics to music and whatever else happens to pop into his head. Fascinating stuff, and I�ve been a faithful reader for several years now. J may or may not be aware of that fact... I did email him a couple of times, once specifically to ask if he minded me reading his journal, me being family an� all, and he wrote back to assure me that he didn�t mind; but I have no idea if he even remembers that exchange at all. Maybe he does remember, but assumed I must not be reading anymore since I haven�t emailed him in forever.

Anyway, he wrote an entry the day we left for Missouri to visit family, including J and his parents. I didn�t see the entry until just today, and I really wish I�d seen it before we got there. Or maybe it�s best that I didn�t--I�d probably have been compelled to say or do something I�d regret later. Oh, not in THAT way... I wouldn�t have told him off or anything, but I think I�d have been on my most obnoxious, showing-of-the-ass-type behavior over the weekend, in order to prove to him that the Charmings are not nearly as, uh, square... (that can�t be the right word... just what IS the opposite of hip these days?) as he seems to think.

J�s musings on the conservative branch of the family (that would be the Prince�s parents, brother & sister-in-law, and apparently us, if you happen to be painting with a ridiculously broad brush,) were set off by his learning, apparently through the family grapevine, that the Prince�s �child� who he was about to meet over the weekend, was in fact a teenager of the sullen, misunderstood, and�as necessarily follows�parentally opressed variety. J went on to imagine the hell she must be going through living with us fossilized over-thirtys, who he is certain must be diligently stamping out every last miniscule spark of creativity, individuality and joy in her 15-year-old life.

He was looking forward to spending some time showing her that not ALL grown-ups are miserable, tight-assed sticks in the proverbial mud, while at the same time recognizing that we might not appreciate having her exposed to such things as swear words, drug references, and exhortations not to let the Man get so much as a single big toe planted in the vicinity of her scrawny teenage neck.

Ok, see, I don�t have a problem if J wants to think of himself as a bohemian crusader, a firmly-principled holdout from the stifling conventions of traditional adulthood. He does lead a freer, more interesting lifestyle than most... one reason I�ve read him for so long is that I�m intrigued by that, and a bit envious of his being in the thick of things, culturally speaking, in downtown Chicago, and for just generally being so damn COOL. What I do have a problem with is the fact that, in spite of living practically next door to us, he has shown no interest in getting to know who the Prince and I are as individuals, yet he seems quite comfortable in assuming that we must be as conservative and closed-minded as he assumes everyone else on this side of the family is.

In his entry it was difficult to tell where he was speaking of �the family� in general and �us� in particular... but I can�t believe J just assumes the Prince and I would swoon if we found out about his atheism, bisexuality and kink! (Are you laughing yet?) Or that we are horrified by swearing and terrified of music with rough lyrics? And here�s the kicker-in-the-asser right here... that her behavior problems are something WE made up because we don�t understand a normal teenager�s need to stretch her wings and rebel a little?

Would somebody please fetch the top of my head for me? Because it ain�t the swearing or the kinky sex or the atheism that constitutes a problem for me, but those assumptions about behavior problems being imaginary will make the top of my skull blow sky-fucking-high every single time. Did HE have to deal with the calls from the school detailing how Miss Downtrodden-and-Opressed stormed out of class in tears at least once every day, because of fights with fellow students that SHE started? Or pay for the window she broke while acting like an ass in the school hallway after hours when she wasn�t even supposed to be there? Or deal with threats of criminal charges because she held up a disposable lighter to some girl�s hair in class and threatened to light it on fire (as a not-so-funny joke, but STILL...)? Is it normal for a kid to get straight F�s because she refuses to do ANY work at all? Do normal kids burn four-inch holes in their bedroom carpet? Or beat holes in their bedroom wall by throwing their rock collection at it in a fit of rage? Or cut up their brand-new bedsheets? Or carve grafitti all over every piece of furniture they own?

Ass. U. Me.

Dorky, corny... but oh-so-fucking true. I know, I KNOW it would be a dumb idea to write Mr. Cousin and say to him �Hi, I�m your kinky cousin�s kinky atheist bisexual wife, mother of the kid who was, at the age of four, using swear words that I�m sure you�ve never imagined using to this day... mother of the kid who is Wiccan with MY atheist blessing, but who will be stopped, with the very last breath in my body if necessary, from smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and committing crimes and vandalism; and who WILL, by god or goddess, get an education even if it means sending the poor thing to a special school for the behavior-disordered which, by means of a metaphorical boot planted firmly against her throat, will attempt to stifle her anti-social urges and regiment her �imaginary� disorder clean out of her system in order to keep her out of the juvenile courts and hopefully one day help her into college so she won�t have to spend the rest of her young adulthood in miserable poverty trying to play catch-up with her career and education like her dumb mother did.�

Yeah, it WOULD be a dumb idea to send an email like that. Because I like J... he�s interesting and funny and he�s always been pleasant to me when I�ve seen him or written to him. And he was really nice to the Evil Childe down in Missouri. He burned a bunch of CD�s for her, and hung out and talked to her, and just basically rescued her from the horrors of an entire four-day weekend of hanging out with a bunch of �older relatives.�

Setting him straight would also mean that certain things I don�t really want my parents-in-law to know about the Prince and I would be in the hands of an in-law who might not be able to resist sharing the dirt on his formerly-squeaky-clean cousins. Hopefully he wouldn�t, but you never know.

But I do really hate having the misconception out there that, just because the Prince and I lack the overdeveloped conformity gene which would allow us to be all hip and cool-acting, we must necessarily be stodgy, conservative and closed-minded. Sheesh.

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Previous - Next
Last Five
Crappy job crap, weird neighbor, and someone whose baby I apparently want to have - 2006-05-08
Live from the dump - 2006-04-09
Kind of like a muzzle for your brain - 2006-03-29
...and then she fell ass-first into my cereal bowl - 2006-03-28
Playing catch-up - 2006-03-27

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